That moment when you realize you can't live without that person...

            I visited him in the hospital today, he got confined last night. The reason still quite unknown, until now the doctors don't know what happening to him. :((

            It was quite nerve wrecking to visit him since this will be the first time My Mom will meet his Mom and I'm nervous that something might slip out (I mean there are some things his mom doesn't know and same goes for my mom) So before we went to the hospital we bought a basket of fruits consisting of: 3 Apples, 3 Pears, Bananas and Grapes. I was brought up and taught that if you go visit someone bring something, I don't know why but just bring something. Not necessarily every time but yeah you get the point so moving on.

           So when we were walking in the hospital going to his room, I kept telling my mom to be quite and be nice. It seems though that our roles are reversed sometimes, actually most of the time but oh well. So when we got there My mom knocked on the door and his brother opened the door and asked us to come in then I saw him. When I saw him it just broke my heart... :((  He looks so tired and weak. And it just hurts me seeing him this ways like I can't do anything to make him feel better. He's pushing himself to the limit with studying and everything. I swear after next week when he's okay or sometime in the break I'll treat him with relaxing time and bonding. But as of now the only thing I can do is... pray and just pray.

        You might say that it's so shallow for me to realize and blog about this but for me it's not. I Love how I can explain how I feel to everyone who knows me and who don't. Some get to relate and some not but those who don't someday will feel the same though but in a different way than what I just experienced.

        Going back... When I saw him that's when I realized that he's my weakness, someone who I can't bear losing, someone who I can't really live without. You might say its too early for you to say that... but no this is really how I feel, I feel like he's really the one I've been waiting for, the one who I've been praying for. I just don't want him like that, I wanted to do something if only it was possible but it was not. I wanted to make him feel better, I wanted him to be okay. I don't want anything bad happening to him... that's all.

Time..

       This picture would really define my happiness that night. It was fun and it was with him. Rare moments like this make me happy and with his busy schedule I can't waste any time when I'm with him.

       It's really hard for me right now. I can't contest with everything that's going around him, I can't express into words how should I feel or say every time I talk to him. I try to distract with myself with all the things I have to do with school and stuff but somehow, somehow memories flash back in my head and the next thing I know I'm distracted.

      Anyway... Back to night. That night was full of emotions really since it was the 18th Birthday of a friend that's gonna go to the States this Thursday. Everybody, I mean all of us there didn't want her to go. Her trip was too sudden and all too real for us to get a grip on. I've known her for I think maybe a year now and I could say she's a good friend. We all wish she won't go but the transactions and the paperwork have gone smoothly so far... My friend gave her some "TIPS" or ways so she won't go but it was too ridiculous to be even done by someone in the right state of mind like her. Her only problem was not the trip itself but it's the trip back to Philippines because they won't give her the exact date or month she'll be back, That's what she's afraid of... not getting back.

That night also was our first formal event together! (other than my 18th okay?) So I made an effort to dress up and look pretty not only for myself but him. He had a very tiring weekend with A Basketball game and the Fun Run for Pasig, he was pretty much tired from all of these plus on Saturday he went to my house and surprised me with cinnamon roll (My Favorite!!) on hand. That Saturday was our first time seeing each other in a week maybe? I don't really remember but anyway... it was fun since we bonded and cuddled A LOT! But what made me sad about that day was the limited time I had with him, I know being with him now means saying goodbye later. Honestly, I didn't want him to go. I didn't want him to leave my side and break my embrace. I just wanted to be next to him and just be with him but his schedules won't let us, so I shrugged it off and I know I'll be seeing him tomorrow. When I saw him I was already dressed up and ready, I saw his  eyes widen a bit and his big smile broke then he hugged me, I knew I've done well in dressing up, he's impressed (I think?). That night he was just at my side holding my hand and teasing me throughout the night. How normal I would react to his jokes but deep inside It was hard, I was struggling with controlling everything I felt and I know he noticed some of them. I tried to focus on the Debutante and the party, for a while it worked then sometime after dinner we headed to the bar and took some shots.

SIDE NOTE: Honestly, I don't get drunk with shots, I just turn red because of the allergies and I prefer Hard drink over beer anytime.

          With alcohol in my system I get more hyper and quite emotional, I notice I'm more close to him, my gaze much more into him. I wanted to tell him how I felt, I wanted to tell him that he doesn't have to worry about me and I'll get through, even though we both know starting now it will be hard to see each other more often.

            But Honestly, to tell you the truth... it won't be easy, it's gonna be hard. Since I can't contest and we've talked about priorities and school comes before our relationship.

            This week his been sleepless with all the quizzes for the week and goodnight calls are no longer necessary since I know he'll be sleeping earlier than I am. Texts have been difficult because of our different schedules and the fact that Globe has some major issues adds more mess.

The question is... Can I take all of this..?? because it's gonna be a lot harder in the coming weeks.

I'm scared...

            I was scared because that moment was different and it wasn't normal for us. Walking side by side not at all talking to each other, even though there were people around us walking and chatting, the air was eerie, my hands were cold and your hugs were weird. We were both silent waiting for someone to break the ice. Honestly, I didn't know what to say at all and thoughts were rushing through my head...

           What if he gets fed up of me,What if he finds someone else better than me, What if, What if... 


           So many What if's and every what if is killing me. I honestly am scared of losing him, I'm scared of waking up knowing he's happy with someone else. I'm scared that all of our dreams and hopes of Forever is gone... I've witnessed Love die so many times in-front of me and I can't deny that I've thought of those things happening to us. I'm scared, I'm scared. I don't want to cry anymore and I don't want someone walking away from me and me not doing anything to stop you from walking away. I'm scared of me doing something stupid once again, I'm scared of making mistakes that will eventually break your patience. I'm scared...

          Hindi ko na alam gagawin ko pag nawala ka sakin, It's like like taking the air I breath out of my life out of my system and I will eventually die -Steph


         I've been on this road before of not knowing what to do, if you let someone you loved walkaway just like that. Few times I've let this happen to me, let the ones I love walkaway and me not doing anything to stop them because my mentality that time is that why try to keep them here if they're not happy with me. But now can I be selfish enough to make him stay if ever that happens?? Selfish enough to ask him can we work this out.... please... I trust our relationship, our trust, our love and God throughout this relationship.

Love never looked so pleasant until I met you...

To tell all of you honestly, Love never really meant so much to me after everything that has happened to me before I met him. I tell people that I believe in Love but sometimes I doubt that I would find it really. It's complicated, It's confusing when you try to understand Love. Personally for me there's no definite definition of Love because the definition of it comes from the person itself, the person who's felt what Love really is. It's there own understanding, there own words that make its full definition.


   
If you ask me my definition of it would go something like this...

    Love, it's something that inspires you never makes you sad nor lonely, it's the reason why you wake up every morning braving the challenges up ahead, it's the way you look at someone and treat them like they're your world. It's something that doesn't make pull you down it's something that pushes you to be the best you can be.

      It's the way you look at me that drives me crazy, you look at me like there's no tomorrow like I'm the only one you see. You never fail to amaze me with your surprises, your efforts make me fall more and more in-love with you even more. The way you kiss me it's sincere, heartfelt always makes my heart beat triple time like it normally does. Your words, words so magical that sometimes I feel like it's almost like a story to me.

   You're unbelievable, incredible and amazing as you are. I wouldn't want to change anything about you. You're my Forever and I hope we can last until the very end, till our last breath...

   Cause That night would be memorable for me a one of a kind experience not just because all my friends and family were there but throughout the whole night you were there calming me and making me smile. You don't know how grateful I am that I met someone like you, to have someone like you by my side. Sometimes I feel undeserving to have you. I've always asked God if he could finally give me a break from heartbreak cause I've seen it around me just from my Mom and my friends and me. I was losing faith that he would answer my prayers but look I have you here. He gave me you when I needed you the most and I thank him because I've never been happier. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MY FOREVER & ALWAYS, TO INFINITY & BEYOND AND TILL MY LAST BREATH!!! >>:*<<

4 months :">

I really don't like counting it but I just can't forget that moment when you asked me to be your girlfriend. That I would say was one of the most unforgettable moments in my life, unbelievable how you could muster up the courage to ask me then and there hahahhaha. I still can’t believe it; I can’t still believe the fact that I have you...

I never imagined having someone like you let alone having a boyfriend in my life. I always thought I would end up in the convent or something because I wasn’t sure that I could handle a relationship and I wasn’t confident that I would find someone who would like me nor love me. But I was wrong totally wrong, I thought I couldn’t handle it but I can, I wouldn’t find someone but look I have you!

Most people say that everything between us was so fast. I would agree but they don’t really know the back story. I met you when I was in my most down state, I was wreck hahahhaha. I never really knew that you were in that state too, recovering. After our first meeting, I was really intrigued because when I first met you, you kept talking to me and I wasn’t saying anything at all, just blank stares since I didn’t have any voice. In my head I was like “Bat kaya ang friendly niya? He’s cute ah. Ask Kenneth about this guy.” Yeah I know Weird. It was just weird when I first met you instant connection like I was comfortable in telling you everything about my life. Then after a few days we started texting and talking on the phone for hours I kept venting about how I liked some guy and you listened and shared stories about your love life as well.

Before we learned each other’s good side, we learned each other’s bad side and that is what makes me love you more. Because even though you knew about what “kabaliwan” I did, you accepted me just the way I am and you never loved me any less.

Honestly, I was scared; I was scared to like you because maybe I was just traumatized. For days I kept holding back what I felt for you since I wanted to be sure that I’m not just rebounding or whatever. I wanted to be sure that I like you because I like you and not because of other reasons. For nights I kept thinking sorting out feelings, realizing that the guy before wasn’t the one I really like.

From the day you told me what happened with your past I didn’t want to commit the same mistakes that she did, I wanted to make you happy and I wanted to be deserving of your affections. Even though I was scared like hell when I told you I loved you, I was happy actually extremely happy because I know for myself that what I was feeling wasn’t just love it was something more.

Until now I can’t explain how I feel, normally with other relationships by this time the feeling wasn’t as strong as the first month. But What I feel now is much greater than what I felt before and I never felt really this happy! I don’t care what other people think or say, I just know that I really have found someone that I can proudly say is someone I want to share every moment with and I could say that every single day. I LOVE YOU, FOREVER AND ALWAYS STEPHEN JOSHUA AMPON OJEDA JR.!!!!!

if it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

I would want to know, So I could get ready for it and I want the people around me to be ready for it as well so it wouldn't gurt so much when I'm gone. And I plan to Live that few days FULL of FUNN!!

I dare you to love me...

what if for some reason things don’t work out? how are you possibly going to live without them?

If things won't work out then you've just got to accept. But if you're really meant to be then you'll be. You used to live without them you've just got to go back to that old habit. Learn to live life on your own and just go out there and enjoy yourself.

I dare you to love me...

Do you think two people can last forever?

I believe that two people can last forever if both people have the same effort of making the relationship work and if the innovate themselves throughout their relationship :D

I dare you to love me...

6 hours of talking, ranting and venting. I understand now.

It's been 6 days since I last saw him and to tell you the truth I'm MISSING him so much.

Last night, me, him and our friend we're talking (Three-way call) Our friend was ranting about his girl, his girl did something that was really out of the line, it was the same mistake I did in our first few days of being together.

When our friend was telling the story of what happened, I felt so ashamed, I felt so bad. You're hearing it from a guy's perspective of how it felt and to think that he felt that way when I told him, it's unbearable. Our friend was really mad and he was asking Steph (my boyfriend) and me what to do on this situation.

The girl said she did that because he missed him. Our friend was asking
Steph if he should believe the reason that the girl gave. That was the SAME reason why I did those stupid things. So I waited for his answer, I kept quiet.

Friend: Should I believe her reason?

Steph: I don't know but I believed the girl

Friend: Why?

Steph: Since I know the girl. You'll know If she's honest with you. It really depends on the girl, I know the girl and She's honest so I believed her. You know her the most, You should know.

Friend: How did that go?

Steph: We're okay now, Very okay.

When I heard him say that.... I didn't know what to say. I was shocked. I honestly am still guilty for what happened and I admit that I was wrong. I shouldn't have done that to him. I shouldn't let him feel that way after everything he's been through. I hated myself for that.

I didn't say anything, They were still talking and he was giving advice to him. I just listened taking notes of the smallest of things. I wanted to know what is right or wrong in his perspective and from what I'm hearing he's advices to our friend really is right.

Some of his basis for his advices is our relationship, how it works and how we are. Hearing from him what he's learned from our relationship really makes me smile. He trusts me and Loves me.

I Love Him for being there when I was really down, I thank him for all of the efforts he's made. I understand now, I understand why I love him so much.

14 LOVE 2 months.

April 14, 2011

2 months.

I can honestly say that I've never been happier with my life. :D
Your amazing, wonderful, understanding, incredible... every time I think of you, only positive words comes out. You got me, completely. No one has ever made me feel this way before ever, It so amazing this feeling your making me feel.

When I don't see you even just for a day, I feel so lonely. When I don't see you for two days, I feel like crying. When you say the cutest things, I smile instantly and that smile doesn't go away that fast. When you hug me, I feel so safe. When you whisper and say I Love You, It's like I'm complete. Every simple thing you do, just makes this big impact on me.

The little things, The little things you do make the most impact. Your gestures, texts, smiles, words and your surprises.

Every single day, I forget that I was once depressed about him. Every single day, I forget all the hurt I felt before. Every single day, I fall even more deeper in-love with you....

All I want to do is to make you happy, to make you smile, to show you that those other girls were wrong for hurting and leaving you just like that. I'm lucky to have you and I'm confident enough to say that you're really my now and forever....

I LOVE YOU, FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!! :">

Last Emotional Dumb about a guy I once liked.

 Nothing- The Script

This will be that last post about you, this would be my last blog about you and my love for you. After this, everything would change. I'll totally forget you, I'll just be a friend, a normal best friend no more benifits or whatever just a friend to lean on and cry on.

For the past 6 months, I loved you no matter what. I became someone I wasn't expecting to be. I changed completely, pushed people away, pulled people near, broke the rules, let myself go. Basically lost myself in those 6 months. But I don't regret anything at all, I'm happy now because I learned from every mistake I made from those 6 months. Everything was not really a mistake at all, everything I did out of love.

I'm fine now, I can now say I'm happy and contented with what I have.

Giving everything to someone who wasn't really sure what they feel about you is hard especially If you've really fallen really hard for that person. I didn't care of what people thought of me when I was with you. Little did I know I was gaining haters just because everyone thinks I'm this obsessed, stealer girl who's madly in love with a guy who has a girl. Maybe that was true but I was becoming blind of everything, shutting my ears to the warnings, closing my eyes to the truth.

contnuee....

Unbearable

It's weird. It's just so weird that I haven't seen him for 5 days now.

I feel that's somethings missing and I'm pretty sure its him. We haven't seen each other since its their Finals and of course he has to study. I know that but there's a part of me, a part of me that's selfish that I want him to just stop studying for his exams and just even a short time make a effort to see me. I know I'm so selfish but I really miss him. Being away from him, it messes up my mind pretty bad, I can't really concentrate that much. WEIRD, since even before I met him, I like another guy but I never really felt like this for that guy but him. It's so different like I'm discovering a new side of me that I never knew I had.

I always thought that I wasn't the jealous type of person but its weird with him, I feel so jealous. I try as much as possible to not be jealous because one I know I'm not like that and two because he tells me not to be. 

I just really miss him, I really miss him a lot! I miss how he holds my hand, how he always kiss my forehead, the way he hugs me so tight and his adorable smile. I wish it was Friday so I can see him. please, please... let time be more faster than this. 

Stop.

I'm hating this... FUUU.
I hate the fact that you think that  I'm mad at you, I just don't freaking get it.
And you think that I'm blaming you for everything I know very well that most of everything was my fault.

I do want to talk to you but I just don't know how. Okay?
You say you've been trying. I'm also trying okay.
It's just to hard to face you, to go back to normal.
To be normal.

Stop fooling yourself

I should stop fooling myself that everything's okay and that I'm fine.
Trust me I try my hardest to forget my feelings for you, I DO! but as much as I try I just can't.
I love you I really really do and I miss you so much that I think I'm going crazy.

I say I'm okay but in truth I'm crying and breaking apart. I say I don't miss him but in truth I miss him so much. I tell myself to stop pretending but if I really told them what I feel they'll just ask me and ask me. So what to do now?

You talked to me again yesterday when you accidentally called my phone, it was weird hearing your voice again I miss your sweet voice. I talk on the phone with a new friend, He's super nice and he really respects me but nothing compares to you. I remember the way you pry those little stuff from my mouth about what I said or the way you laugh at the phone. It hurts to remember all those little stuff.

Love, I miss you. I miss the old you, I miss my best friend. What happened to us? what happened to our friendship? I've been going back to our conversations where is that person I knew, who always talked to me and just makes me happy all the time even through the little things.

I deleted texts and conversations after reading it, so I have a reason to not remember. The problem is how can I delete memories? all those times, all those great times we've been together you've forgotten?
How tell me how. Just please tell me how. I remember the dates, the moments, the hugs, the kisses and the way you tell me how I look that day. It's maddening.

Starting over... how?

I don't know how to start over. How to love someone new. I'm feeling all these weird feelings for a new guy but I don't know how to love again. How could this be?

He's the guy who treats me right and cares for me so much but how to return the feelings he has given me. I like him but I love you. IS THIS RIGHT? OF COURSE NOT! I don't like where this is getting me. I'm confused and I don't know how to handle all these emotions I'm feeling.

I'm feeling happy one second, then something reminds me of my you then I get sad. Then He makes me happy then I remember you again. This never ending cycle of Happiness and Sadness is making me INSANE!! what now?

Maybe getting over is hard.

I'm starting to get over someone, someone who's caused me pain but has given me happiness at the same time.

I'm trying to move on but every single memory comes back to haunt me. Little things trigger every single memory especially in school. The stairs where we kissed, the drink that I drank when I first kissed him, the mannerisms he does mimic by a close friend of him, the room where things were somewhat I consider magical.

I love this person so much. So much that I'm willing to let him go but I don't get why going and saying goodbye doesn't affect him. I feel like he's forgotten everything. I feel so hurt and I don't know why.

I love him, I really do. Even before the things that happened I loved him. I remember the time when I was stressing all around people asking them If I should tell him I love him. I remember asking them "Should I tell him or no?" someone told me that I should tell him because I will regret not telling him. What if's? where always the motivation for me in these kinds of situations and every single person I asked was giving me the What if's.

So that night I told him, I was stuttering like crazy, I can't come up with words to say. I can't say those 3 words that I should say. I was nervous but In the end I told him. I remember this pause in the conversation when I said I love you, He just went silent. It was nerve-racking.

So I should maybe let this out and pour all my emotions into this one letter that he won't ever get from me.

Love,
        
           Hey Love!! I miss you, we haven't been talking so much as before but it's okay. Finally you got your hair colored, It suites you. thank you. I'm sorry.Even if you said yes. I wouldn't want you worrying about Her knowing your my partner on my debut. I'm sorry for asking you, I knew it was inappropriate to ask you. I hope you'll be happy with her, I wish you all the best with her. Finally or maybe I think I have the guts to finally forget my feelings for you, I think. I'm happy that I met someone like you, thank you for making me believe in guys again. Because of you somehow the void that my dad left is now gone.

Thank you cause you showed me that I could love again. Thank you for being a really great best friend. Thank you for making me smile and talking to me on the phone wee hours of the night. Thank you for the Awesome dates, Can't deny it was fun. So now, I think I'll go and try to forget my feelings for you. I'll find another partner nalang possibly, or no partner nalang.

I love you, I really do. I'll be here no matter what, I'll be a great friend. I'll try. I don't think after sending this to you, I think I can't face you tomorrow or even talk to you. Give me time. But if you want to talk then okay. 

I really do love you, I hope you realize that. Your not really my first love but I treated you like someone Like my first love. I would at times forget that you have a girl because you treat me like I'm yours when really I'm not. It hurts me to know we can never be, it hurts me to think that every single thing we did you could easily forget. It hurts me that you couldn't tell me you love me without inserting best friend in the end... It hurts to know that you could easily forget me like nothing ever happened. I wish you could love me like you loved her, I really wish you could.

It hurt me when you were crying when she broke it off with you. I wanted to hug you so tight, I wanted to take away the pain she has caused you. I didn't want you hurt, it was hurting me too. You deserve much better than that. 

When you told me about a new girl and what you guys did. Did you even realize that It hurt me? 

I cried at the music room that time you didn't see but I was in outrage. Since you told me your not like that, you were not like other guys. you realize that in the morning you were like I miss my bestie? then at night you were with this new girl. So that's why you haven't been talking to me. Dude, I left you because I don't want to complicate things between you and your girl. Now you complain to me that you're life's a mess. Did you even realize that the things we did were mistakes already but you had the guts to add a much more BIG mistake. 

I don't know how to face you know, everything I believed you were was a lie. You've changed and changing is part of our lives. I don't know if this change is good or bad. But i'll still be here hoping and waiting that one day you realize how much I loved you. for the last time....

I love you, Love. 

Someone Asked me today...

Someone asked me today that made me think. Really think about the statement that he has presented to me.

"How can you trust Him but he doesn't do anything but she can't trust me but I do something for her?"

HOW CAN YOU TRUST HIM BUT HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING

This question really made me question myself. How do I do it? Do I really trust him?
I trust him because I know I love him, He knows that I trust him and He would not break that trust. That's what I know but I'm not really sure.

I Trust him because I love him. Is this reason enough to prove to someone that you do trust them? that you LOVE them? I don't know. Is this enough?

I'm the type of girl that won't be clingy in terms of being in a relationship. I wouldn't be all up on his grill like
"Where were you?" "Who you with?" "Why didn't you answer my calls?" that types of stuff. I'm just not like that, I trust the person that He loves me to value my trust in him. I want him to be the one who'll tell me where he is and who's he with. I don't want to be the type of girl who'll be not giving him the space he needs. If he needs GUY bonding with his friends even though we have plans, It's okay with me actually better since I know he'll enjoy himself.

I'm not the type of person who'll be jealous If I know he's with a girl or any woman. I admit I might be a little but it's normal but I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I'll even joke around with him and tease him if ever, that's just how the way I roll.

I wouldn't restrict him from anything too. Maybe in terms of vices, since as we all know not all vices are good, Well ALL vices are bad when you do too much. RIGHT?

In terms of smoking, I wouldn't want him to quit just like a snap because I know it will be hard fro him to do so. I'll give him time, little by little maybe he might quit smoking with my help if ever. In terms of drinking, If he knows his limits then Better, if he doesn't then try to talk him into his right mind. That's what I'll do.

Am I allowed to feel this way?

I don't really get jealous at all. I'm not that type of girl that gets jealous of little things he does with other girls.

Reason #1: because If I know the person's mine why would I worry right?
(But no he's not mine)

Reason #2: I know he loves my so why bother?
(I don't know if he loves me like the way I love him)

Reason #3: Jealousy is a monster it could break a relationship
(this is proven in cases of my friends)

Reason #4: too much DRAMA.
(I've been here before)

But for some reason I get jealous of other couples out there, I feel like they're so happy. I want to feel what they feel, Seriously i do, I WANT TO.

When I see my friends especially my girl best friend in the block and her guy.... I get super jealous. I try to not look but its hard to not notice them being so sweet and cute together. I was wishing he could do that to me, make me feel special, he does make me feel special but I mean like the shy innocent type of being special where he surprises you and hugs you from behind, unexpectedly holds your hand and says you're beautiful today. That kind of stuff but everything would just be a dream.... nothing ever will be real.

I've dreamt of times what If we were together what would happen? and what could I do to make you feel special from other guys I've liked. I've dreamt of you saying I'm your girl and shizz... But how I wish that could be true but it wouldn't. It's just too impossible people's feelings are involved either way both us girls would be hurt.

I've been going back and forth if i should stay or go...

If I stay:
-I'll hurt myself more
-I'll fall even more deeper
-I'll be there for you

If I go:
-I'll hurt myself even more
-I'll be depressed
-I can't be there for you

I could face the fact the fact that your happier with her... You are... but I'm not that selfless I also want you here by my side but keeping you here would confuse you and hurt us even more.

I love you but should I feel this way? Tell me.