Stop fooling yourself

I should stop fooling myself that everything's okay and that I'm fine.
Trust me I try my hardest to forget my feelings for you, I DO! but as much as I try I just can't.
I love you I really really do and I miss you so much that I think I'm going crazy.

I say I'm okay but in truth I'm crying and breaking apart. I say I don't miss him but in truth I miss him so much. I tell myself to stop pretending but if I really told them what I feel they'll just ask me and ask me. So what to do now?

You talked to me again yesterday when you accidentally called my phone, it was weird hearing your voice again I miss your sweet voice. I talk on the phone with a new friend, He's super nice and he really respects me but nothing compares to you. I remember the way you pry those little stuff from my mouth about what I said or the way you laugh at the phone. It hurts to remember all those little stuff.

Love, I miss you. I miss the old you, I miss my best friend. What happened to us? what happened to our friendship? I've been going back to our conversations where is that person I knew, who always talked to me and just makes me happy all the time even through the little things.

I deleted texts and conversations after reading it, so I have a reason to not remember. The problem is how can I delete memories? all those times, all those great times we've been together you've forgotten?
How tell me how. Just please tell me how. I remember the dates, the moments, the hugs, the kisses and the way you tell me how I look that day. It's maddening.

Starting over... how?

I don't know how to start over. How to love someone new. I'm feeling all these weird feelings for a new guy but I don't know how to love again. How could this be?

He's the guy who treats me right and cares for me so much but how to return the feelings he has given me. I like him but I love you. IS THIS RIGHT? OF COURSE NOT! I don't like where this is getting me. I'm confused and I don't know how to handle all these emotions I'm feeling.

I'm feeling happy one second, then something reminds me of my you then I get sad. Then He makes me happy then I remember you again. This never ending cycle of Happiness and Sadness is making me INSANE!! what now?

Maybe getting over is hard.

I'm starting to get over someone, someone who's caused me pain but has given me happiness at the same time.

I'm trying to move on but every single memory comes back to haunt me. Little things trigger every single memory especially in school. The stairs where we kissed, the drink that I drank when I first kissed him, the mannerisms he does mimic by a close friend of him, the room where things were somewhat I consider magical.

I love this person so much. So much that I'm willing to let him go but I don't get why going and saying goodbye doesn't affect him. I feel like he's forgotten everything. I feel so hurt and I don't know why.

I love him, I really do. Even before the things that happened I loved him. I remember the time when I was stressing all around people asking them If I should tell him I love him. I remember asking them "Should I tell him or no?" someone told me that I should tell him because I will regret not telling him. What if's? where always the motivation for me in these kinds of situations and every single person I asked was giving me the What if's.

So that night I told him, I was stuttering like crazy, I can't come up with words to say. I can't say those 3 words that I should say. I was nervous but In the end I told him. I remember this pause in the conversation when I said I love you, He just went silent. It was nerve-racking.

So I should maybe let this out and pour all my emotions into this one letter that he won't ever get from me.

Love,
        
           Hey Love!! I miss you, we haven't been talking so much as before but it's okay. Finally you got your hair colored, It suites you. thank you. I'm sorry.Even if you said yes. I wouldn't want you worrying about Her knowing your my partner on my debut. I'm sorry for asking you, I knew it was inappropriate to ask you. I hope you'll be happy with her, I wish you all the best with her. Finally or maybe I think I have the guts to finally forget my feelings for you, I think. I'm happy that I met someone like you, thank you for making me believe in guys again. Because of you somehow the void that my dad left is now gone.

Thank you cause you showed me that I could love again. Thank you for being a really great best friend. Thank you for making me smile and talking to me on the phone wee hours of the night. Thank you for the Awesome dates, Can't deny it was fun. So now, I think I'll go and try to forget my feelings for you. I'll find another partner nalang possibly, or no partner nalang.

I love you, I really do. I'll be here no matter what, I'll be a great friend. I'll try. I don't think after sending this to you, I think I can't face you tomorrow or even talk to you. Give me time. But if you want to talk then okay. 

I really do love you, I hope you realize that. Your not really my first love but I treated you like someone Like my first love. I would at times forget that you have a girl because you treat me like I'm yours when really I'm not. It hurts me to know we can never be, it hurts me to think that every single thing we did you could easily forget. It hurts me that you couldn't tell me you love me without inserting best friend in the end... It hurts to know that you could easily forget me like nothing ever happened. I wish you could love me like you loved her, I really wish you could.

It hurt me when you were crying when she broke it off with you. I wanted to hug you so tight, I wanted to take away the pain she has caused you. I didn't want you hurt, it was hurting me too. You deserve much better than that. 

When you told me about a new girl and what you guys did. Did you even realize that It hurt me? 

I cried at the music room that time you didn't see but I was in outrage. Since you told me your not like that, you were not like other guys. you realize that in the morning you were like I miss my bestie? then at night you were with this new girl. So that's why you haven't been talking to me. Dude, I left you because I don't want to complicate things between you and your girl. Now you complain to me that you're life's a mess. Did you even realize that the things we did were mistakes already but you had the guts to add a much more BIG mistake. 

I don't know how to face you know, everything I believed you were was a lie. You've changed and changing is part of our lives. I don't know if this change is good or bad. But i'll still be here hoping and waiting that one day you realize how much I loved you. for the last time....

I love you, Love. 

Someone Asked me today...

Someone asked me today that made me think. Really think about the statement that he has presented to me.

"How can you trust Him but he doesn't do anything but she can't trust me but I do something for her?"

HOW CAN YOU TRUST HIM BUT HE DOESN'T DO ANYTHING

This question really made me question myself. How do I do it? Do I really trust him?
I trust him because I know I love him, He knows that I trust him and He would not break that trust. That's what I know but I'm not really sure.

I Trust him because I love him. Is this reason enough to prove to someone that you do trust them? that you LOVE them? I don't know. Is this enough?

I'm the type of girl that won't be clingy in terms of being in a relationship. I wouldn't be all up on his grill like
"Where were you?" "Who you with?" "Why didn't you answer my calls?" that types of stuff. I'm just not like that, I trust the person that He loves me to value my trust in him. I want him to be the one who'll tell me where he is and who's he with. I don't want to be the type of girl who'll be not giving him the space he needs. If he needs GUY bonding with his friends even though we have plans, It's okay with me actually better since I know he'll enjoy himself.

I'm not the type of person who'll be jealous If I know he's with a girl or any woman. I admit I might be a little but it's normal but I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I'll even joke around with him and tease him if ever, that's just how the way I roll.

I wouldn't restrict him from anything too. Maybe in terms of vices, since as we all know not all vices are good, Well ALL vices are bad when you do too much. RIGHT?

In terms of smoking, I wouldn't want him to quit just like a snap because I know it will be hard fro him to do so. I'll give him time, little by little maybe he might quit smoking with my help if ever. In terms of drinking, If he knows his limits then Better, if he doesn't then try to talk him into his right mind. That's what I'll do.

Am I allowed to feel this way?

I don't really get jealous at all. I'm not that type of girl that gets jealous of little things he does with other girls.

Reason #1: because If I know the person's mine why would I worry right?
(But no he's not mine)

Reason #2: I know he loves my so why bother?
(I don't know if he loves me like the way I love him)

Reason #3: Jealousy is a monster it could break a relationship
(this is proven in cases of my friends)

Reason #4: too much DRAMA.
(I've been here before)

But for some reason I get jealous of other couples out there, I feel like they're so happy. I want to feel what they feel, Seriously i do, I WANT TO.

When I see my friends especially my girl best friend in the block and her guy.... I get super jealous. I try to not look but its hard to not notice them being so sweet and cute together. I was wishing he could do that to me, make me feel special, he does make me feel special but I mean like the shy innocent type of being special where he surprises you and hugs you from behind, unexpectedly holds your hand and says you're beautiful today. That kind of stuff but everything would just be a dream.... nothing ever will be real.

I've dreamt of times what If we were together what would happen? and what could I do to make you feel special from other guys I've liked. I've dreamt of you saying I'm your girl and shizz... But how I wish that could be true but it wouldn't. It's just too impossible people's feelings are involved either way both us girls would be hurt.

I've been going back and forth if i should stay or go...

If I stay:
-I'll hurt myself more
-I'll fall even more deeper
-I'll be there for you

If I go:
-I'll hurt myself even more
-I'll be depressed
-I can't be there for you

I could face the fact the fact that your happier with her... You are... but I'm not that selfless I also want you here by my side but keeping you here would confuse you and hurt us even more.

I love you but should I feel this way? Tell me.