I wish I knew...

I wish I knew something was up... I wish I was the given the change myself before all this started. I did not know what was happening.

A person will know what they have done is wrong if they we're called out about it.
I wish I called out about it, I wish I was given the chance to change myself earlier. I can't do anything now to change what has happened it exploded in ways that I didn't even knew possible in their hands. I didn't know I was crossing the line and they were giving me chances to change, but I was changing something that I thought was something that they wanted to change about me but I was wrong it wasn't about that, it was about something else. I'm so stupid. why haven't I noticed that I was hurting them, that I was doing things I didn't know I was capable before.

I'm scared, I'm scared what tomorrow might bring. I want to change I REALLY WANT TO, not only for myself but people around me as well. I'm not perfect, no one's ever perfect. I just want to be given a chance to explain myself to them, to also understand their side fully. No words can fix this.. not even sorry.

Misdirected Anger

Well eventually I was feeling that this day would come sooner or later. I've been feeling signs from their actions and I know they were hiding something from me, something I've wanted to ask but always scared to hear..

And it here it is... the anger, accusations and the tears.

For the past weeks this term I've been at edge. Trying hard to push myself to meet their standards; Ever since 1st Yr. 2nd term they've been commenting on how I am with my studies and I don't blame them, I was spiraling out of control. I've lost grip on my priorities BACK THEN.

But this time it was different I push myself to the edge trying to meet with their standards trying to grasp of what acceptable is to my friends trying to please them.. anything.... because they still see me as that 1st Yr. 1-2nd term girl who doesn't give a fuck about her priorities and just focus myself on a boy. but I realize I got to stop doing that and do my own thing to make a statement that I'm not that girl anymore and I've changed.

They've always seen me as this weak and easily under/controlled girl. But ever since the start of this term I've tried to change that. Ever since NSTP I knew they weren't confident that I would step up and do my work as a group leader But I tried really hard to change my attitude and make it known that I can do it and I will do it perfectly and in that path I was taking I knew I was always irascible.

I was really pressured to do my best for myself and my group and with that in mind I knew I had to be strong and firm with my actions. The last weeks before NSTP immersion ended, I've always had arguments with my close friend, G and I knew very well it was only due to the pressures of the tasks we had to do in that immersion and after the NSTP we would be okay again. And in my mind I thought we were okay already but in reality it isn't and I was completely unaware of that. In tasks during the immersion I knew most of the times we were winging it but we got it done. I thought I was dividing tasks evenly but someone said no, during the last NSTP we had to compile all of our works into a scrapbook. G gladly presented in doing the scrapbook so I agreed. Our prof said I had to compile the reflection papers which I told them, then posted on FB 4 days before the due date about the things to be done and are required to be done even texted them to check the FB group for reminders. I wanted to compile everything into one already so I asked them to send their works to me, I thought it wasn't a big deal to compile it and print it in one printing but for someone it was. And then again I thought everything was okay, So I thought.

The night before the deadline I texted them to remind them about everything that needs to be done. I thought it was done. Little did I know some of our groupmates didn't check the FB and when they got to school they just did the evaluation there, which really made me quite irritable since I posted and texted them 4 days before the deadline to please do it and send it via email to our prof. I was at edge again since I knew we had to get our requirement done in time and I KNEW the evaluation was due the night before. So Yes I got worked up and got mad at them. Which I knew was unreasonable... but then again we're not really sure.

In School Works
They don't see my efforts because my efforts are at home. In Prinama sometimes I think they don't even trust my answers or something. That hurts! because I like Prinama more than ever now at it's 2nd half since I get it more now and I practice at home and my answers are right.

They say that I cram... They've only see me cram 2 times and it was for VOCARR. I didn't cram I'm just not like them when doing their projects, I can't just do it in one sitting like then, I'm not like them. Well I admit I do it 1 week before but every night I do it, always trying to change what I did but I never have been able to be fully satisfied with it, so when I get to school that's when I do just the some of it because for some odd reason my mind makes itself up and sticks to what I do when I'm in school. So it's not really cramming for me. It's merely slight adjustments to it when I'm at school. My boyfriend can testify that we both study, believe it or not I do study but they wouldn't believe that really.

But then again the talk with school works is done and finished for... I think?

Stephen talks
I'm sorry if i'm all like stephen this and stephen that in school. I just really want to share.. is that so bad?
For some odd reason I shy away from talking school work. Don't get me wrong I talk about school work but after I change the subject because you're already in school studying and slaving all day but with friends we have a short time bonding so why not share something other than school work just to make them laugh or happy or something. that's why I share things other than school stuff.

Moody
Again this is just me just more PROJECTED this term. And I'm sorry.

Irascible
This is how I deal with stress... I don't really know why, but I get so irritated just being bombarded with questions when I'm pressured or not. I'm not into panick-y and overly importunate(Makulit) people... I get so panick-y myself when I'm around them that's why I get irritable because as much as I want to try to calm them down, it just doesn't work which gets me to panic myself and I loose my cool which ends up to me being overly irritable.

Believe me I've tried to change that but somehow I can't. I try to calm myself down and not misdirect my anger who are close to me. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I'm already "masungit etc..." It's just all the stress of everything. I can't blame them if they don't want to talk to me. I'm such a pathetic friend.
Well all of this changes in me ended up bad, really bad. I do know that...

That I'm the one at fault here. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry for hurting all the people who are close to me...
I don't really know if I can explain more personally cause I'm scared of what you guys might say. The words you said really hurt especially the "Bastos ugali"/rude habit. I know for myself that I'm not like that, but I know you think my actions say otherwise. I don't blame you, after realizing everything I'd hate myself too you know.

Well this is life.

Lately I have moments that I feel so alone. With no one to confide into, I want someone who'll listen, who will not judge and try to understand what I'm going through.
As of the moment somehow all my friends are busy and when I'm with them I'm left out. I want to confide in them but I know they won't understand and they wouldn't even care. Some of them would even call me overreacting or some other names but they wouldn't understand and I know that.
So as much as possible I keep to myself drown myself in reading 50 shades. And then it hits me what Anastasia Steele is going through in the first book, all her insecurities about Mrs. Robinson and Leila. Ugh I feel that too. That aching feeling I get when think about that person and him happy, them together. It FREAKING KILLS ME.
As I try to escape into reading 50 shades, I realize that it wasn't really an escape...It was too realize what I'm feeling. And that's why I was drawn to reading it a midst all the sex stuff.

Inevitable

Somehow It's inevitable to be sure if you'll be with the same person you're with now in the future. You can't escape the trials of time and that's a given fact.
To tell you the truth I'm scared, I'm scared facing tomorrow without the person I'm with now. You might say that, oh you're too young to be saying this, girl there's a lot of guys out there or You got to live life and face the world out there on your own. Things like that, I've been getting a lot of comment like this from friends, family and etc.
Even though I get a lot of these kinds of comments from them, it doesn't change the fact that I Love this person so much that it might hurt me a lot when I lose him. I've always been that kind of girl who falls to easily and when I fall for someone, I fall hard. Like dead hard girl!
It's too cliche but he's really my everything... the person who really even up to now gives me butterflies whenever I see him, the person who can really make my day even though it was rotten as hell, The person who I could totally be myself even in pajamas and the person who really knows me aside from my Mom.
But to tell you all the truth... everything is not as perfect as it seems. it's inevitable for a couple to not have misunderstanding and fights. It's a normal thing for everyone to go through and we're not really strangers to that also. Since we're studying in different Universities we rarely see each other nowadays, especially nowadays with our busy schedules. And with not seeing each other I tend to miss him A LOT and I start to get to needy for his time...
I get really needy and clingy, I think most girlfriends are. Most girls won't admit it but I for myself am certain that I'm a very needy and clingy girlfriend and Baby I'm sorry for that. An when I start to get needy everything just falls apart, plans of seeing each other fail, my surprises to see him fail (mostly because he can't get the hints that I give him and I end up giving up because it's too late and I gotta do lots of things.)
Then drama starts to happen because of me... all because I want some of his time. Sometimes I just don't know if I understand that he has to study or that I just don't. I know studies have to come first, It just has too but I don't know... I just want more time with him. Because maybe we don't get to spend much time as before school started and that bothers me so much. Sometimes I get scared because maybe he'll just get tired of me. I get scared cause I know I don't fully understand why he can't spend time with me. I get scared because maybe some other girl understands him and what he does more than me. I try to understand but sometimes I just don't
There was a this time that I just didn't understand why he can't see me or something like that on that same night I thought about asking him to give "US" a break. Because I wanted him to focus on his studies because I know school is a lot to handle plus me that's just chaos. But when I was talking to him I just can't, I just can't ask him, even thinking about asking him that makes me feel so very sad that I was holding back tears. Because I knew for a fact that I was too weak to do so and I Love him so much that I just can't let go.
I am utterly and irrevocably in-love with him. (yes that is quoted from Twilight, I'm sorry.) I just can't begin to imagine my life without him really.As I said he's my everything and he's God's answer to my prayers... I never really felt this much for anyone in my life. I've never seen so much dreams about a Family with him and how everything just falls into place just by being with him. Yes I am too young but I am mature enough to say that I don't want anyone else. I am that type of person who treasures and as much as possible keep a relationship going (only if the other person still wants to) I just don't see myself with anyone else, I just see myself with him happy and in-love.
And it's inevitable to say that....
Stephen,
I know I can be a LOT to handle and I know I get so clingy and needy to you most of the time and I'm sorry for that... It's really been an amazing 1 year and 5 months for us and to share those year,months,days,hours,minutes,seconds with you is just priceless... Always remember that no matter what happens I'll be here for you to be your Best Friend, Confidant and Girlfriend till the very end. I swear to be less needy, clingy and jealous SWEAR. Thank you for always supporting and guiding me whenever I feel lost in what I want to do with my life... Thank you for always cheering me up with your corny jokes and mga "pambobola" :)) You know how much I Love You Panda.... I just want to say thank you for being there always... :* I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, FOREVER AND ALWAYS...

Secretly I'm dying Inside

I'm scared and I don't know what to do. There's so many things I wanna tell you but I can't since it might and will hurt you.

Ever since they haven't been supportive of everything I do. My choice of course in college, they questioned me if that was the course I really wanted, They think that it will not generate the income I needed for my future. They think that it might be not what I really wanted. But it is what I want and even though sometimes I want to give up on it, I try my best to get through it.

I just wish they will all be supportive as much as they support my cousin now. He's just graduating High School and they support him. But with me it's like they don't even know what Year I'm in and what I'm taking cause I think they try to forget.

And now with my boyfriend. I didn't want to tell them first I waited till my debut to tell them about him but they left early, not even finishing the performance of my band. That hurt me a lot. They didn't finish the program at all :((

My plan was to formally introduce them to my boyfriend after the party but little did I know they already knew that he might be and is my boyfriend because of a friend who told my cousin (who will graduate HS). I wish they waited and not snooped around. They've been always like that always trying to intrude with everything I do or my family does.

But sometimes I just wish they would just stop. I mean he's a good guy and all, my boyfriend. I wish they won't put hard judgement on him. I wish they had more time to get to know him. Some of my relatives though approve of him because they can see how in-love we are and how caring he is at the party during Christmas.

Well secretly I'm dying inside because I want him to go with us to Boracay and my Mother told my relatives about my plans. And they (relatives) told me that, that would be our "family time" and bringing him would distract me from family time and thus my family won't know me better. But they know me, so well actually because I've always been open about everything.

Every time I come home from school I tell them about my day, EVERYTHING that happened that day. When I have problems I tell them and I ask for advice. I see them everyday and I try as much as possible to make family time with them. So bringing him won't actually ruin family time. I want them to get to know him more and spend time with him also.

With my boyfriend, We rarely see each other because we study at different Universities plus our schedules are somewhat far apart from each other. We rarely go out, We don't chat because he rarely goes online and if he does its for school work. Talking on the phone? we do that but sometimes it's only goodnight calls. I was hoping that this summer we will get to spend more time with each other.

But sadly he can't go with us to tagaytay on my Mom's birthday because he already had plans with his family and I was hoping that Boracay trip would be the alternative. But with all the intrusions with relatives, I think it won't happen and I'm secretly dying inside because I wanted him and my family there, having fun.

Anniversary Surprise :"">

I never really suspected anything weird until that day that My friend Kenneth told me that I was going to Tagaytay on Saturday. Later that night my Mum told me that We were going to Tagaytay on Saturday after my class. I was wondering why Kenneth knew that we were going but i shrugged it off and just played it off.

It was weird really because normally we would prepare weeks before but now it's like we have no prep at all for the upcoming trip. My Mum even packed my things without me even knowing. I had no idea why we were going there, my Mum just told me it was for our Pre-Valentine celebration. I didn't really wanna go because it was almost midterms week and I was sad because I wish my Mom told me earlier so I could bring Stephen (My Boyfriend) along.

Saturday:

I just felt really sad and I didn't feel that day at all during the morning. Since I knew he wasn't there and I had to do all my requirement there which was hassle. He was texting me saying it was okay and that he was studying so I just let him be so he could focus. I was missing him so much really, it's been so long since we've seen each other and we just made up from a fight. Well I was the one who was trying to provoke him. I regretted what I said. But that's another story so moving on...

I didn't know that my Family was trying to stall because Stephen and his friends we're preparing for the surprise.

While they were preparing I had no clue what was happening and what was going to happen at all. We were at a restaurant near our rest house and I was kind of feeling dizzy and I didn't actually finished my food. He called me and asked me where we were and I told him we were eating and I somewhat felt sick and I told him I missed him. He said that we'll see each other soon and it's okay. When we were done and headed to our rest house he called me again to ask where we were and I told him that we were about to go around the corner of the house and we were very near and he said okay and said bye. When our car pulled up to the gate of our rest house...

I was stunned and surprised to see a path of lighted candles leading up the gazebo.

I can't move and I was inside the car, my mind kept saying this isn't possible and OMG again and again. I can't move and I was so still that he called my phone and told me to go out and follow the path. I didn't want to and I was scared, I don't really know why. He kept urging me to move then my Mom helped me down the car and guided me through the path. I slowly made my way through the path of rose petals and lighted candles, My heart was beating fast and my eyes started to well up with tears.

When I was walking I didn't really notice the words that were formed by the lighted candles in my right because I was so focused on the path and my breathing while walking.

Then I saw him, I didn't want to go near him, I don't really know why. I kept asking him Is this for real?? Swear?! How did you do this! Is this really for real? He reached out his hand to me and I slowly took his hand and when I got close to him I hugged him so tight. He escorted my through the Gazebo and then he sat me down and He presented me with dinner. We started to eat, I didn't really eat that much because I was still feeling a little bit sick but he kept urging me to eat and even feeding me so just I would eat. After he asked me if I can hug him which I instantly did do. Then when I pulled away he blindfolded my eyes, once again I didn't know what to do and I kept asking him what will happen? What's this? then he told me to stay calm and just hold on him then he guided me down the Gazebo and then sat me down and told me to stay there. I was thinking where am I supposed to go when I can't see anything =)) My heart was racing again. I could hear voices around me, voices that we're familiar and comforting at the same time. I can hear my Family's voices too. It was quite long that part when I was blindfolded and during that time I was thinking of what was about to happen.

Then When The blindfold came off, I saw him in-front of me guitar in hand and singing One Directions' song "What makes you beautiful" at the background were FIREWORKS, YES FIREWORKS! It was quite a sight! :"""> It WAS THE SWEETEST THING EVER!!! :""> I'm quite scared of fireworks so that scared me a bit but I was more focused at him singing that I was tuning everything out. Then something unimaginable happened that really scared me. one of the fireworks tumbled over and was aimed somewhat at us and it was shooting everywhere and I didn't really know if I'm gonna run or I'm gonna still watch him sing. Then one of his friends grabs me and I immediately run and him too! It was really a scary moment and then when it was done, He replayed it again, I mean the singing. Take 2. Then after he went to me and I instantly hugged him so tight and he kept asking me are you surprised? Did you like it? Is it okay? Happy Anniversary! Then I started crying. It was really one of those moments that it was so overwhelmingly good that you cry tears of joy... :"">

It was really unbelievable and up until now I really can't get over. This will be one of those moments that will forever be memorable to me, him, our friends and my Family. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! :""> And now I think I've fallen much more deeper for him. :">

Me and our Friends:

Love of my Life, My future and Forever...

Some things to ponder about

You can never understand why people do stupid things for love, Unless YOU, Yourself experience how it is to be in love....

I shouldn't be affected by all the decisions she's made in her life but I'm still a friend, a concerned friend that only wishes only the best for her. I'll never know why she decided to do all of the things she's done but there has to be a concrete reason other than for Leverage.

For a moment I was taken back to the first time I met her...
She was elegant, pretty, poised to perfection. I hardly spoke to her but that time came when all of us bonded and we became friends. At first I was hesitant to even talk to her since I was the only one who barely knew her since I was new in the group, I've hang around people who barely cared at all before them. It was funny when we were talking since I never knew she was goofy and funny at the same time quite quirky as my friends would say. She was innocent, she almost had this childlike personality that would really amaze you and lure you to like her even more. I miss that girl, where is that girl?

Now I'm taken back to the present, to the reality that is oh so heartbreaking to even write about, The downfall of a Elegant Princess to a Rebellious teen.
Her eyes always puffy from crying the pain away, her face so pale that the glow she has has faded away, those smiles lost in the process of her fall. Her innocent grin turned into mischievous smile. Where is she? Where is the girl we once knew?

My heart breaks, as I learn things I shouldn't know about. I shudder at the thought of her innocence breaking into pieces. We dared to interfere, make her realize everything that might and is gonna happen but her eyes wander off not paying attention to us anyway. I dare not to ask her Why? Why Him? because I know I'll hurt her more by asking.

As we lose her now to the battle of right or wrong. I seek guidance to everyone around me on what have we done wrong? And I ask myself if I dared to ask her or even tell her how we really felt, should it have changed the outcome of what the reality it is we have now?

Sometimes I think too much.

Do you get those times when you think to much?

I do and when that happens I end up doing something I regret. I think of so many things but mostly I think about my future and him mostly.

My future, I’m quite not sure if the path I’m going really is the one that is meant for me and to tell you the truth I don’t even know if this is what I want. But they say that if you don’t see yourself doing what your are doing right now in your future then It’s not meant for you. But I do see myself in the music business but not behind it but more as a performer.

Its just the start of 3rd term and it’s bearing down on me literally, I’m already lagging on Fundamentals of Music 3. It’s really hard and I can’t cope up, I’m pressured to do my best and that’s why I keep making mistakes. I just gotta know how to relax or something. If you know any techniques on how to relax other than breathing in and out evenly please message me. Seriously please do.

I really don’t see myself doing any other track other than Music, I do sometimes in Culinary but I’m planning to take that up after Music Prod. I just want to have that driving force that most of my batchmates have in terms of studying our Major Subjects. I want to great at this even better. I want to prove that I can do it. I really wanna finish this course on time even if we’re already 1 year late because of failing Fundamentals of Music 1.

About Him, I’m just scared cause sometimes I lose, like sometimes I get lazy to text even forget to reply to him most of the time, since I’m busy with school and everything else in between. Its just that I’m so focused on school and preparing for my ambitious Anniversary surprise that will hopefully go according as planned. I’m just scared that he might think I’m taking him for granted or something. And the fact that my Guy friend always tease me and put ideas in my head that my boyfriends straying away. Argh Frustrating, But I trust him though, I Just don’t trust the girls that like-like him.

Right now I just want to relax my mind and just enjoy the process of everything.