I just want to know why?
I just don't know why I give in to everything you say. I say I've moved on but every time I see you, its like I haven't said to myself a million times that I have to move on. Don't you realize that you mean so much to me?
They say that its easy just move on, saying the phrase "move on" is easy but doing it isn't.
People just don't get it why I'm like this to you, its because they don't know the whole story. Its always Dynarel that takes me back to reality, it makes me think about things. I would normally think when i'm alone. I wish people could understand that its hard for me, its really hard for me too move on, when you've done such a big impact with my life. Wow. okay.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Monday, November 01, 2010
Drawbacks
Once you say yes, there's never going back.
He told me he was very sorry for not telling it sooner, at least he told me early. I couldn't reply fast, I couldn't clearly see what I was typing the whole time. He was sending me messages with smiley's but I could only reply messages with dots. Trying not to sound very hurt and not to mention broken, I replied "It's okay. At least you told me sooner right? I'm fine don't worry." but If you saw what I was sending after that you'll definitely notice how hurt I was. You ever felt the feeling of being helpless, you try to calm down but you just can't, felt as if I was being torn into two. i'm not exaggerating or anything but that was the feeling I felt at that time. The last message I received from him was "I'm so sorry, hug tomorrow?" or something like that. Replied ok. bitter I know.
The next day was just plain awful. From what I remember I was wearing a plaid long sleeve polo, coincidentally he was too. I was trying to avoid him as much as possible, the whole time in the class because I really couldn't control what I was feeling. Every time I get too near him, my heart starts to beat faster and tears start to well up in my eyes. It was BibStud (Bible study) we had groups of our own, We were directly across each other. He was near the door at that time, all the while I was pretending to be occupied with what I was doing in the group. I saw him at the corner of my eye, he was staring at me. I was shocked at his expression, he was staring, teary-eyed and sad. By this time I wanted to go to him just hug him and tell him it was really all right. By this time also the whole block noticed that we weren't together like yesterday, So they kept asking me if I was okay, which i replied yes although I felt the complete opposite. I never really knew that the people who were asking my if I was okay was also reporting this to him, I knew this because he told me. So our break came, I couldn't stand another minute in a room with him and people asking me if i was okay. So when he went out of the room to go eat at the cafeteria, I instantly broke down and ran outside the room. My friend Anna followed me out and talked to me, I learned that she also knew before hand what the situation was.
In my head, I was like why does everybody know this? why was I the last person to know? I bet by now I look stupid to all of them. etc. I tried to compose myself since Anna told me so. She explained to me that if Josh sees me like that, it will be harder for him since it will hurt him more. So I did, went back to the room and pretend that nothing happened. We had a 3 hour break i think so some of our blockmates invited us to eat at the nearby fast food chain, he also tagged along since our group was the same. So at the table there we were again directly across each other, I notice him again still sad. Makes me more sad but I need to look happy. So at the table people were again asking me what happened to me and him, I said I don't know. So I texted him saying
"Are you mad at me?"
replies
"No, I thought you were mad at me"
"No I'm not"
replies
"Ryan was asking me a while ago, If I wanted to drink. I wanted to so badly"
"So sorry, Really? I'm not mad swear"
That night we talked at the phone for hours until the morning. We cleared much of the misconceptions.
Remember at the first part of this blog when I was crying and we were texting?
the most memorable thing I wouldn't forget about that texting moment was this question from him
"Can we be the close best friends in the block?"
I replied.
"yes"
will continue to part 3..
He told me he was very sorry for not telling it sooner, at least he told me early. I couldn't reply fast, I couldn't clearly see what I was typing the whole time. He was sending me messages with smiley's but I could only reply messages with dots. Trying not to sound very hurt and not to mention broken, I replied "It's okay. At least you told me sooner right? I'm fine don't worry." but If you saw what I was sending after that you'll definitely notice how hurt I was. You ever felt the feeling of being helpless, you try to calm down but you just can't, felt as if I was being torn into two. i'm not exaggerating or anything but that was the feeling I felt at that time. The last message I received from him was "I'm so sorry, hug tomorrow?" or something like that. Replied ok. bitter I know.
The next day was just plain awful. From what I remember I was wearing a plaid long sleeve polo, coincidentally he was too. I was trying to avoid him as much as possible, the whole time in the class because I really couldn't control what I was feeling. Every time I get too near him, my heart starts to beat faster and tears start to well up in my eyes. It was BibStud (Bible study) we had groups of our own, We were directly across each other. He was near the door at that time, all the while I was pretending to be occupied with what I was doing in the group. I saw him at the corner of my eye, he was staring at me. I was shocked at his expression, he was staring, teary-eyed and sad. By this time I wanted to go to him just hug him and tell him it was really all right. By this time also the whole block noticed that we weren't together like yesterday, So they kept asking me if I was okay, which i replied yes although I felt the complete opposite. I never really knew that the people who were asking my if I was okay was also reporting this to him, I knew this because he told me. So our break came, I couldn't stand another minute in a room with him and people asking me if i was okay. So when he went out of the room to go eat at the cafeteria, I instantly broke down and ran outside the room. My friend Anna followed me out and talked to me, I learned that she also knew before hand what the situation was.
In my head, I was like why does everybody know this? why was I the last person to know? I bet by now I look stupid to all of them. etc. I tried to compose myself since Anna told me so. She explained to me that if Josh sees me like that, it will be harder for him since it will hurt him more. So I did, went back to the room and pretend that nothing happened. We had a 3 hour break i think so some of our blockmates invited us to eat at the nearby fast food chain, he also tagged along since our group was the same. So at the table there we were again directly across each other, I notice him again still sad. Makes me more sad but I need to look happy. So at the table people were again asking me what happened to me and him, I said I don't know. So I texted him saying
"Are you mad at me?"
replies
"No, I thought you were mad at me"
"No I'm not"
replies
"Ryan was asking me a while ago, If I wanted to drink. I wanted to so badly"
"So sorry, Really? I'm not mad swear"
That night we talked at the phone for hours until the morning. We cleared much of the misconceptions.
Remember at the first part of this blog when I was crying and we were texting?
the most memorable thing I wouldn't forget about that texting moment was this question from him
"Can we be the close best friends in the block?"
I replied.
"yes"
will continue to part 3..
Not everything is Mutual
The problem with Love is that nothing is certain. Things change constantly, the feeling, the affection and the person.
One thing I learned from my class in Dynarel (Dynamics of Religion) is that the best thing about Love is Love just because you want to, no strings attached. You choose to Love someone not because you need to but simply you choose to. You wouldn't expect anything from the other person because Love's not always mutual.
I've been in situations where in the person just didn't like me back the way i hoped, normally I cried. There's this one time where the guy was just messing with my head, making me believe that he liked me, loved me etc. In the end I learned from a friend he's just using me to get through my friend. I wouldn't name him, that's just plain mean, but I still to this day wished he just told me that he didn't like me. So I wouldn't feel traumatized, its getting hard for me to trust guys nowadays. Because of that one guy, my whole perceptive of a guy changed.
He's not the first guy who left me, there was my Dad. I never really knew him. For the past 17 years of my life, I never have talked to him, met him or even hugged him. I know how he looks like but that memory is kind of blurry. I always have been jealous of girls with Dads, hugging them and kissing them. I always had that longing feeling, a void. There's always a part of my heart that's missing.
But that changed when I met Him. I met him in college, he's actually a blockmate. When I met him we had an instant connection, like I've known him forever. Weird I know but we both felt that. the first week of classes I was trying so hard to keep my feelings for him. My Block had this meeting in the lobby, we call this our "Lobby sessions". This session was conducted like this: you have to tell everyone in the group whom you liked in the block. I was relieved he wasn't there at that time, so there were only 2 girls in the group there was me and my friend let's just call her Anna (not her real name) . It was her turn already but the problem is her crush was there in our small group. So she was looking at me anxiously and the next thing I knew we were both whispering. The guys wanted to know who was her crush but she really didn't want to tell. So I made a compromise If she tells the group her crush which is one of the guys that were there, I would tell my crush that who wasn't in the group that I like him. Anna eventually told the group she had a crush on one of the guys in our small "lobby session" group. They like each other btw, but things ended soon after. i'll explain later why.
So the next day I had to do what I had to do. Tell that person that I like him personally, so i did. I asked of we could talk and then Anna and the guy he liked watched me the whole time i was confessing. So here was our conversation, As far as I remember.
"I don't know how to do this since I never have done this"
He nods. getting suspicious.
"Uhm..." *takes a deep breath* "I like you"
we both became silent. Me and him smile.
Anna and the guy he liked (Gab) smiled and yeah.
After that conversation I asked him if it was awkward, i think he told me no but i don't really remember.
So the next day, we totally bonded and stuff. I felt so happy getting that off my chest, it was a relaxing feeling just being with him and just having fun. The day after that we had to support our blockmates in their Choir thing, so we did. In the theater we were seat-mates, in the intermission he said to me "I want to tell you something" when i heard that I got scared instantly and thought bubbles were popping out of my head like
*He doesn't like me
*He likes someone else in the block?
*He's gay?
*He likes me?
things like that etc.
So he told me he liked me, Damn that was an awesome feeling. I felt as if I was going to jump up and down like a 3 year old girl who received a big lollipop. I was so happy, I really can't explain it. Especially the next day, I had a blast hanging out with him and just talking about random stuff. Then two days after, BAM!
he texted me saying that he has a girl, they're not yet together but they have mutual understanding. I was talking on the phone with a friend then, a blockmate. I felt so bad, I felt tears running down my eyes instantly. My friend who was on the phone noticed instantly so I told him, what I didn't expect is that he knew about this without telling me. I was asking him why didn't he tell me beforehand so I have or had prepared myself for this. He said, He wanted Josh (not his real name) to tell me personally. I understood what he meant, and just cried the whole conversation. I was thinking why? why should I again go through this, guys playing messing with my head and me falling for it every time. For once I wanted to be happy, I wanted him to be mine....
I'll continue the story tom. :)
One thing I learned from my class in Dynarel (Dynamics of Religion) is that the best thing about Love is Love just because you want to, no strings attached. You choose to Love someone not because you need to but simply you choose to. You wouldn't expect anything from the other person because Love's not always mutual.
I've been in situations where in the person just didn't like me back the way i hoped, normally I cried. There's this one time where the guy was just messing with my head, making me believe that he liked me, loved me etc. In the end I learned from a friend he's just using me to get through my friend. I wouldn't name him, that's just plain mean, but I still to this day wished he just told me that he didn't like me. So I wouldn't feel traumatized, its getting hard for me to trust guys nowadays. Because of that one guy, my whole perceptive of a guy changed.
He's not the first guy who left me, there was my Dad. I never really knew him. For the past 17 years of my life, I never have talked to him, met him or even hugged him. I know how he looks like but that memory is kind of blurry. I always have been jealous of girls with Dads, hugging them and kissing them. I always had that longing feeling, a void. There's always a part of my heart that's missing.
But that changed when I met Him. I met him in college, he's actually a blockmate. When I met him we had an instant connection, like I've known him forever. Weird I know but we both felt that. the first week of classes I was trying so hard to keep my feelings for him. My Block had this meeting in the lobby, we call this our "Lobby sessions". This session was conducted like this: you have to tell everyone in the group whom you liked in the block. I was relieved he wasn't there at that time, so there were only 2 girls in the group there was me and my friend let's just call her Anna (not her real name) . It was her turn already but the problem is her crush was there in our small group. So she was looking at me anxiously and the next thing I knew we were both whispering. The guys wanted to know who was her crush but she really didn't want to tell. So I made a compromise If she tells the group her crush which is one of the guys that were there, I would tell my crush that who wasn't in the group that I like him. Anna eventually told the group she had a crush on one of the guys in our small "lobby session" group. They like each other btw, but things ended soon after. i'll explain later why.
So the next day I had to do what I had to do. Tell that person that I like him personally, so i did. I asked of we could talk and then Anna and the guy he liked watched me the whole time i was confessing. So here was our conversation, As far as I remember.
"I don't know how to do this since I never have done this"
He nods. getting suspicious.
"Uhm..." *takes a deep breath* "I like you"
we both became silent. Me and him smile.
Anna and the guy he liked (Gab) smiled and yeah.
After that conversation I asked him if it was awkward, i think he told me no but i don't really remember.
So the next day, we totally bonded and stuff. I felt so happy getting that off my chest, it was a relaxing feeling just being with him and just having fun. The day after that we had to support our blockmates in their Choir thing, so we did. In the theater we were seat-mates, in the intermission he said to me "I want to tell you something" when i heard that I got scared instantly and thought bubbles were popping out of my head like
*He doesn't like me
*He likes someone else in the block?
*He's gay?
*He likes me?
things like that etc.
So he told me he liked me, Damn that was an awesome feeling. I felt as if I was going to jump up and down like a 3 year old girl who received a big lollipop. I was so happy, I really can't explain it. Especially the next day, I had a blast hanging out with him and just talking about random stuff. Then two days after, BAM!
he texted me saying that he has a girl, they're not yet together but they have mutual understanding. I was talking on the phone with a friend then, a blockmate. I felt so bad, I felt tears running down my eyes instantly. My friend who was on the phone noticed instantly so I told him, what I didn't expect is that he knew about this without telling me. I was asking him why didn't he tell me beforehand so I have or had prepared myself for this. He said, He wanted Josh (not his real name) to tell me personally. I understood what he meant, and just cried the whole conversation. I was thinking why? why should I again go through this, guys playing messing with my head and me falling for it every time. For once I wanted to be happy, I wanted him to be mine....
I'll continue the story tom. :)
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