Not everything is Mutual

The problem with Love is that nothing is certain. Things change constantly, the feeling, the affection and the person.

One thing I learned from my class in Dynarel (Dynamics of Religion) is that the best thing about Love is Love just because you want to, no strings attached. You choose to Love someone not because you need to but simply you choose to. You wouldn't expect anything from the other person because Love's not always mutual.

I've been in situations where in the person just didn't like me back the way i hoped, normally I cried. There's this one time where the guy was just messing with my head, making me believe that he liked me, loved me etc. In the end I learned from a friend he's just using me to get through my friend. I wouldn't name him, that's just plain mean, but I still to this day wished he just told me that he didn't like me. So I wouldn't feel traumatized, its getting hard for me to trust guys nowadays. Because of that one guy, my whole perceptive of a guy changed.

He's not the first guy who left me, there was my Dad. I never really knew him. For the past 17 years of my life, I never have talked to him, met him or even hugged him. I know how he looks like but that memory is kind of blurry. I always have been jealous of girls with Dads, hugging them and kissing them. I always had that longing feeling, a void. There's always a part of my heart that's missing.

But that changed when I met Him. I met him in college, he's actually a blockmate. When I met him we had an instant connection, like I've known him forever. Weird I know but we both felt that. the first week of classes I was trying so hard to keep my feelings for him. My Block had this meeting in the lobby, we call this our "Lobby sessions". This session was conducted like this: you have to tell everyone in the group whom you liked in the block. I was relieved he wasn't there at that time, so there were only 2 girls in the group there was me and my friend let's just call her Anna (not her real name) . It was her turn already but the problem is her crush was there in our small group. So she was looking at me anxiously and the next thing I knew we were both whispering. The guys wanted to know who was her crush but she really didn't want to tell. So I made a compromise If she tells the group her crush which is one of the guys that were there, I would tell my crush that who wasn't in the group that I like him. Anna eventually told the group she had a crush on one of the guys in our small "lobby session" group. They like each other btw, but things ended soon after. i'll explain later why.

So the next day I had to do what I had to do. Tell that person that I like him personally, so i did. I asked of we could talk and then Anna and the guy he liked watched me the whole time i was confessing. So here was our conversation, As far as I remember.

"I don't know how to do this since I never have done this"
He nods. getting suspicious.
"Uhm..." *takes a deep breath* "I like you"
we both became silent. Me and him smile.
Anna and the guy he liked (Gab) smiled and yeah.

After that conversation I asked him if it was awkward, i think he told me no but i don't really remember.
So the next day, we totally bonded and stuff. I felt so happy getting that off my chest, it was a relaxing feeling just being with him and just having fun. The day after that we had to support our blockmates in their Choir thing, so we did. In the theater we were seat-mates, in the intermission he said to me "I want to tell you something" when i heard that I got scared instantly and thought bubbles were popping out of my head like

*He doesn't like me
*He likes someone else in the block?
*He's gay?
*He likes me?
things like that etc.

So he told me he liked me, Damn that was an awesome feeling. I felt as if I was going to jump up and down like a 3 year old girl who received a big lollipop. I was so happy, I really can't explain it. Especially the next day, I had a blast hanging out with him and just talking about random stuff. Then two days after, BAM!
he texted me saying that he has a girl, they're not yet together but they have mutual understanding. I was talking on the phone with a friend then, a blockmate. I felt so bad, I felt tears running down my eyes instantly. My friend who was on the phone noticed instantly so I told him, what I didn't expect is that he knew about this without telling me. I was asking him why didn't he tell me beforehand so I have or had prepared myself for this. He said, He wanted Josh (not his real name) to tell me personally. I understood what he meant, and just cried the whole conversation. I was thinking why? why should I again go through this, guys playing messing with my head and me falling for it every time. For once I wanted to be happy, I wanted him to be mine....

I'll continue the story tom. :)