Drawbacks

Once you say yes, there's never going back.

He told me he was very sorry for not telling it sooner, at least he told me early. I couldn't reply fast, I couldn't clearly see what I was typing the whole time. He was sending me messages with smiley's but I could only reply messages with dots. Trying not to sound very hurt and not to mention broken, I replied "It's okay. At least you told me sooner right? I'm fine don't worry." but If you saw what I was sending after that you'll definitely notice how hurt I was. You ever felt the feeling of being helpless, you try to calm down but you just can't, felt as if I was being torn into two. i'm not exaggerating or anything but that was the feeling I felt at that time. The last message I received from him was "I'm so sorry, hug tomorrow?" or something like that. Replied ok. bitter I know.

The next day was just plain awful. From what I remember I was wearing a plaid long sleeve polo, coincidentally he was too. I was trying to avoid him as much as possible, the whole time in the class because I really couldn't control what I was feeling. Every time I get too near him, my heart starts to beat faster and tears start to well up in my eyes. It was BibStud (Bible study) we had groups of our own, We were directly across each other. He was near the door at that time, all the while I was pretending to be occupied with what I was doing in the group. I saw him at the corner of my eye, he was staring at me. I was shocked at his expression, he was staring, teary-eyed and sad. By this time I wanted to go to him just hug him and tell him it was really all right. By this time also the whole block noticed that we weren't together like yesterday, So they kept asking me if I was okay, which i replied yes although I felt the complete opposite. I never really knew that the people who were asking my if I was okay was also reporting this to him, I knew this because he told me. So our break came, I couldn't stand another minute in a room with him and people asking me if i was okay. So when he went out of the room to go eat at the cafeteria, I instantly broke down and ran outside the room. My friend Anna followed me out and talked to me, I learned that she also knew before hand what the situation was.

In my head, I was like why does everybody know this? why was I the last person to know? I bet by now I look stupid to all of them. etc. I tried to compose myself since Anna told me so. She explained to me that if Josh sees me like that, it will be harder for him since it will hurt him more. So I did, went back to the room and pretend that nothing happened. We had a 3 hour break i think so some of our blockmates invited us to eat at the nearby fast food chain, he also tagged along since our group was the same. So at the table there we were again directly across each other, I notice him again still sad. Makes me more sad but I need to look happy. So at the table people were again asking me what happened to me and him, I said I don't know. So I texted him saying

"Are you mad at me?"
replies
"No, I thought you were mad at me"
"No I'm not"
replies
"Ryan was asking me a while ago, If I wanted to drink. I wanted to so badly"
"So sorry, Really? I'm not mad swear"

That night we talked at the phone for hours until the morning. We cleared much of the misconceptions.

Remember at the first part of this blog when I was crying and we were texting?
the most memorable thing I wouldn't forget about that texting moment was this question from him
"Can we be the close best friends in the block?"
I replied.
"yes"

will continue to part 3..