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Confirmed

The result came earlier than we expected. The predictions of the Doctors were right and my Ninang has Stage 4 Cancer and it had spread through her lungs, liver and even her spine. I try to process everything I learned today and it wouldn't sink in. My mom told me a few days ago that it might be cancer but hearing it loud and clear today was utterly shocking and I didn't want to believe it.

My mom got home and told me the findings, I was trying my best to control my emotions because I didn't want her to see how sad I am because it will only hurt her more. She was struggling to keep it together when she came home almost throwing her bag on to the couch where I am sitting, she was mad almost. She went on talking and then sat on our dining table she began to tell stories of what happened when they were there visiting my ninang. She was ranting because the sibling of my Ninang weren't at all very caring and supportive of her. They would only show up at her room then after a few minutes go down and smoke cigarettes. They spend more time smoking than being in the room and caring for my ninang which really pisses my mom off. She didn't want to scold them since it wasn't really polite to do that and who was she to make comments about them right? But I wish they had the decency to talk and care for my Ninang rather than going down and smoking. My ninang is even the bread winner of their family!!!

My Mom broke down in front of me, crying and telling me how much she hated how my Ninang's siblings would treat my ninang. Not even genuinely caring about her, even a grandchild would tell her that if she dies who would pay their bills and give them money for food. I wanted to tell them to shut up and stop thinking about money and problems and focus on their aunt and help her get better. But they just don't care that much even wasting their money on fast food and malling rather than little by little paying off the hospital bills for my ninang. My mom even told me when she was crying that if only she was rich she would pay all of the bills and sessions for chemotherapy for her but she wasn't. She told me that she wanted to tell my ninang that if she wanted to rest already she could, so that she would not feel anymore pain. I saw the pain in my mom's eyes, the hurt she was feeling for my ninang and I hated to see her that way... It hurts me more that it will be a long journey for her and my ninang.

I pray to God to guide us through the process of accepting and helping my ninang to get better. I pray to give everyone around her patience because it wouldn't be an easy journey for them because my ninang is quite scary when she feels pain, barking orders at people around her to stroke her or help her get up. I pray to God to ease her pain and give her strength and determination to fight against cancer.. I lift everything up to you Lord...

As you read this I would like you to please include my Ninang Nini in your prayers tonight, it would mean so much to me, my family and her family. Thank You so much! :D

Confused

These past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. My Godmother or ninang in tagalog got hospitalized on Monday and she's been confined in the hospital for 3 days now. At first I didn't know how to process the news about this and I let the news sink in to me first and then I started feeling really sad and worried about her.

I felt that I shouldn't be entitled to feel this way because one we weren't that close and two we rarely see each other but every time I see her she greets me with utter joy and shows me how much she cares about me, She keeps on praising me, telling me how much I grown and telling me how beautiful I am. I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way so sad and worried for her and I don't know why. I wanted to cry but I wanted to be strong for my Mom because my mom and my godmother are so close and I know my mom is going through a lot of stress and I can see it in her eyes that she wants to breakdown but holds in all in because if ninang sees her that way it will really upset her. I can hear her voice crack every time My Mom tells Ninang that "Tayo ka na diyan, uwi na tayo!" (Stand up and let's go home) playfully and ninang would laugh and cough and when she coughs you can tell it's hurting her.

We visited her last night and I honestly didn't know how to greet or act around her. I wanted to talk to her and tell her stories to distract her from all the pain she's feeling but for some reason I felt silent almost mute not at all talking or even going near her. My mom told me to stroke her hand because it made her feel okay but I was really scared to do so, I was so scared to touch her because I was scared I might do something wrong and hurt her. She looked so fragile when I saw her and it hurt me to see her that way. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago and she looked healthy and happy but now she looks so frail. I really felt that my Mom was disappointed at me because I wasn't that affectionate to my ninang. Now I just really feel so terrible for not talking to her.

Today she had a biopsy and the doctors speculate that it's cancer and that it has spread through her lungs and liver since all of the symptoms are there but the doctors still hopes that their findings are wrong but we won't know until Sunday. I pray to God that the Doctor's speculations are wrong and that she gets well soon. I raise all my worries and prayers to you Lord to heal Ninang Nini. I beg of you please.... :((