Confused

These past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. My Godmother or ninang in tagalog got hospitalized on Monday and she's been confined in the hospital for 3 days now. At first I didn't know how to process the news about this and I let the news sink in to me first and then I started feeling really sad and worried about her.

I felt that I shouldn't be entitled to feel this way because one we weren't that close and two we rarely see each other but every time I see her she greets me with utter joy and shows me how much she cares about me, She keeps on praising me, telling me how much I grown and telling me how beautiful I am. I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way so sad and worried for her and I don't know why. I wanted to cry but I wanted to be strong for my Mom because my mom and my godmother are so close and I know my mom is going through a lot of stress and I can see it in her eyes that she wants to breakdown but holds in all in because if ninang sees her that way it will really upset her. I can hear her voice crack every time My Mom tells Ninang that "Tayo ka na diyan, uwi na tayo!" (Stand up and let's go home) playfully and ninang would laugh and cough and when she coughs you can tell it's hurting her.

We visited her last night and I honestly didn't know how to greet or act around her. I wanted to talk to her and tell her stories to distract her from all the pain she's feeling but for some reason I felt silent almost mute not at all talking or even going near her. My mom told me to stroke her hand because it made her feel okay but I was really scared to do so, I was so scared to touch her because I was scared I might do something wrong and hurt her. She looked so fragile when I saw her and it hurt me to see her that way. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago and she looked healthy and happy but now she looks so frail. I really felt that my Mom was disappointed at me because I wasn't that affectionate to my ninang. Now I just really feel so terrible for not talking to her.

Today she had a biopsy and the doctors speculate that it's cancer and that it has spread through her lungs and liver since all of the symptoms are there but the doctors still hopes that their findings are wrong but we won't know until Sunday. I pray to God that the Doctor's speculations are wrong and that she gets well soon. I raise all my worries and prayers to you Lord to heal Ninang Nini. I beg of you please.... :((