Distraction and Madness

I don't know how to feel and I don't know if I already have words to describe and tell you guys how I feel. I feel so much and most of them I can't put into words. Everything is overflowing and never ending to say the least...

I feel so alone but I have so many people around me. I know I can tell them what I'm going through but they could only listen and sympathize with me but that's not what I need,  I need a person who went through the same things as I did. But I don't think two people have the same story, it always has a difference. You can say that both of them went through loss but one lost a friend and one lost a parent, It's never the same story twice.

The stress and frustration of the events that happened in the past two months are quite staggering and I can't comprehend how many nights we've spent as a family sleepless, restless and bothered by everything that's happening. I still can't fully accept (but this isn't the word because I already accepted that he is gone) that we lost a family friend, a family friend that is so close to our hearts that we so suddenly lost. I still remember the times when he brings us food and how I enjoyed munching on isaw and laughing at all his jokes, I still remember that morning my mom was panicking, not even combing her hair, drove out to the hospital and stressed out of her mind just because she read the text that he was rushed to the hospital that morning. That sleepless midnight I had, looking at my phone then suddenly reading a text that he died and how I couldn't sleep at all. That morning hearing voices at the dining room of her wife crying and screaming with pain because of the loss. I still remember every single detail and it haunts me through the night, keeping me awake until now. I don't know how to cope, I've never lost someone before and its taking a toll on me...

2 weeks before the death of that family friend, I learned my grandmother/best friend of my mom has stage 4 cancer and it has spread through her body. Seeing her in that state, how fast she is deteriorating and how helpless she was. I can't stop crying but I can never show those tears to my mom or my family because I wanted to be strong for her because she was the one breaking down. I can never be the weak one, they comment on why I didn't cry in the wake of our family friend? I had to be strong for my family because they were the ones breaking down, one single person crying affects the whole family it's like a tidal wave of tears. I didn't want to add to that, I want to be the person who they can lean on to and count on when they need to get something done because they can't think straight. I know they didn't ask me to do this for them but I had to because if everyone was breaking down we can never move on and accept all the things happening. But I admit it is taking a toll on me now, all those bottled feeling from those events are now keeping me awake at night and haunting me in my dreams. Seeing how frail my godmother is and hearing the family friend's wife crying in pain because she lost the one she loved, its hard.

I just want to drop everything and go, I want someone to take me away from all the madness of this place and take me somewhere I don't know. Somewhere I could be distracted  by the beauty of nature or whatever, just somewhere not here for once and hug me till I don't have any tears left inside me...

BBM

Trying to try this out :)

Confirmed

The result came earlier than we expected. The predictions of the Doctors were right and my Ninang has Stage 4 Cancer and it had spread through her lungs, liver and even her spine. I try to process everything I learned today and it wouldn't sink in. My mom told me a few days ago that it might be cancer but hearing it loud and clear today was utterly shocking and I didn't want to believe it.

My mom got home and told me the findings, I was trying my best to control my emotions because I didn't want her to see how sad I am because it will only hurt her more. She was struggling to keep it together when she came home almost throwing her bag on to the couch where I am sitting, she was mad almost. She went on talking and then sat on our dining table she began to tell stories of what happened when they were there visiting my ninang. She was ranting because the sibling of my Ninang weren't at all very caring and supportive of her. They would only show up at her room then after a few minutes go down and smoke cigarettes. They spend more time smoking than being in the room and caring for my ninang which really pisses my mom off. She didn't want to scold them since it wasn't really polite to do that and who was she to make comments about them right? But I wish they had the decency to talk and care for my Ninang rather than going down and smoking. My ninang is even the bread winner of their family!!!

My Mom broke down in front of me, crying and telling me how much she hated how my Ninang's siblings would treat my ninang. Not even genuinely caring about her, even a grandchild would tell her that if she dies who would pay their bills and give them money for food. I wanted to tell them to shut up and stop thinking about money and problems and focus on their aunt and help her get better. But they just don't care that much even wasting their money on fast food and malling rather than little by little paying off the hospital bills for my ninang. My mom even told me when she was crying that if only she was rich she would pay all of the bills and sessions for chemotherapy for her but she wasn't. She told me that she wanted to tell my ninang that if she wanted to rest already she could, so that she would not feel anymore pain. I saw the pain in my mom's eyes, the hurt she was feeling for my ninang and I hated to see her that way... It hurts me more that it will be a long journey for her and my ninang.

I pray to God to guide us through the process of accepting and helping my ninang to get better. I pray to give everyone around her patience because it wouldn't be an easy journey for them because my ninang is quite scary when she feels pain, barking orders at people around her to stroke her or help her get up. I pray to God to ease her pain and give her strength and determination to fight against cancer.. I lift everything up to you Lord...

As you read this I would like you to please include my Ninang Nini in your prayers tonight, it would mean so much to me, my family and her family. Thank You so much! :D

Confused

These past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. My Godmother or ninang in tagalog got hospitalized on Monday and she's been confined in the hospital for 3 days now. At first I didn't know how to process the news about this and I let the news sink in to me first and then I started feeling really sad and worried about her.

I felt that I shouldn't be entitled to feel this way because one we weren't that close and two we rarely see each other but every time I see her she greets me with utter joy and shows me how much she cares about me, She keeps on praising me, telling me how much I grown and telling me how beautiful I am. I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way so sad and worried for her and I don't know why. I wanted to cry but I wanted to be strong for my Mom because my mom and my godmother are so close and I know my mom is going through a lot of stress and I can see it in her eyes that she wants to breakdown but holds in all in because if ninang sees her that way it will really upset her. I can hear her voice crack every time My Mom tells Ninang that "Tayo ka na diyan, uwi na tayo!" (Stand up and let's go home) playfully and ninang would laugh and cough and when she coughs you can tell it's hurting her.

We visited her last night and I honestly didn't know how to greet or act around her. I wanted to talk to her and tell her stories to distract her from all the pain she's feeling but for some reason I felt silent almost mute not at all talking or even going near her. My mom told me to stroke her hand because it made her feel okay but I was really scared to do so, I was so scared to touch her because I was scared I might do something wrong and hurt her. She looked so fragile when I saw her and it hurt me to see her that way. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago and she looked healthy and happy but now she looks so frail. I really felt that my Mom was disappointed at me because I wasn't that affectionate to my ninang. Now I just really feel so terrible for not talking to her.

Today she had a biopsy and the doctors speculate that it's cancer and that it has spread through her lungs and liver since all of the symptoms are there but the doctors still hopes that their findings are wrong but we won't know until Sunday. I pray to God that the Doctor's speculations are wrong and that she gets well soon. I raise all my worries and prayers to you Lord to heal Ninang Nini. I beg of you please.... :((

Unfriend-ing

What's the deal with unfriend-ing people on Facebook anyway? It's just really weird that I've noticed some of the people I know unfriending me on Facebook. Like a close friend of mine (once was a close friend but now we're like complete strangers to one another) or weirdly enough an ex of my boyfriend.

What's the deal anyway? I just don't get it and I don't know why it's bothering so much. Questions, Questions, Questions.....

Well this was relevant

Dating A Med Student 

1. Don’t expect to see them. Ever.
   My answer: Yes most of the time I don't see him and there was even a time where I didn't see him for 2 weeks or more. Especially nowadays I really don't get to see him as often as I would because he's graduating and he's always busy with his duties in school. Most of the time if I don't make the arrangement of me going to him we wouldn't see each other. That makes me question myself if its fair or right for me to do this. This was and always will be hard fact for me to handle. EVER.

 2. Accept the fact they will have many affairs. With their books.
    My answer: I think he spends more time with his books rather than me. Well this is an affair I can live with.

 3. Learn to hide your “ew, gross” reactions when they tell you all the stuff you never wanted to know about your bodily functions. 
    My answer: As of now he's not telling me things like these yet or he did I don't really remember.

4. Support them when they come home after each test, upset because they failed—and gently remind them after they get their well above passing grade how unnecessary the “I’m going to fail out of medical school and never become an MD” dramatics are.
    My answer: Well this is true, Sometimes its really hard to cheer him up especially if a particular quiz or exam makes him so down because he's not sure of the answers he put on it and I'm trying to be always ready for encouraging him to push on because I know he can do it!

 5. Each week they will have a new illness. Some will be extremely rare, others will be more mundane. Doesn't matter. They will be certain they have it (no second opinions necessary). Med school can, and will, turn even the sanest into a hypochondriac. Date them for long enough, and you’ll become one too.
    -My answer: Oh not experienced this yet :))

 6. There will be weeks you’ll forget you even have a boyfriend—friends will ask how he is and you’ll say, “What? Who? Oh… right. He’s well… I think.” Read: Married To A Doctor, I Was A Lonely Newlywed…
     -Most of the time I'm thinking if I can still do this, do this meaning give effort to the relationship. My friend says I'm settling and this friend tells me to "never settle" but that's not really the case.. the fact is... he's everything I hoped and prayed for and I see my future with and I just can't give up what we have because of the lack of time he gives me. I can't let go and won't let go because I love him and I want him to be my forever. cliche as it may seem but I just can't let go of him. Doubts and thoughts cloud my mind if I can do this in the long run I'm just hoping and praying to God that Stiff gives me more reason to hold on longer because sometimes I'm loosing hope to go on.

 7. They’ll make you hyper-aware that germs are everywhere and on everything. Even though you used to walk into your home with your shoes on, and sit on your bed in the same clothes you just wore while riding the subway, or sat on a public bench in, you’ll become far too disgusted to ever do it again. Believe me, it’s going to get bad… you’ll watch yourself transform into the anal retentive person you swore you’d never become. And when you witness others perform these same acts that, before you began dating your med student, you spent your entire life doing too, you’ll wince and wonder, “Ew! How can they do that? Don’t they know how many germs and bacteria they’re spreading??!”
     -  became hyper-aware of where I sit or do because of the things he tells me that he learn from his classes. Which is really a hassle sometimes :)) Wishing I didn't know those things at all because I was perfectly okay without knowing facts about sitting on the ground and etc.

 8. Romantic date = Chinese take-out in front of the TV on their 10-minute study break.
      - our dates consists of just playing xbox to watching movies on my laptop there was this one time where He did his works and was reviewing with me, talk about romantic date. We haven't had a date on so long and this upsets me.

 9. A vacation together consists of a trip down the street to Walgreens for new highlighters and printer paper.
      - We went to Boracay last year for the vacation but as of now the vacation is nowhere to be found yet.

10. Their study habits will make you feel like a complete slacker. For them, hitting the books 8-to-10 hours a day is not uncommon, nor difficult. You’ll wonder how you ever managed to pass school on your meager one hour of studying per night.
     -Every bit true I feel so down and sad because I feel like a slacker because while I do midi sequencing on my laptop he reads and reviews for his exam the whole day.

 11. They’re expected to know everything. Everything! The name of the 8 billion-lettered, German sounding cell that lives in the depths of your inner ear, the technical term for the “no one’s ever heard of this disease” disease that exists only on one foot of the Southern tip of the African continent. But ask them if your knee is swollen, or what you should do to tame your mucous-filled cough, or why the heck your head feels like someone’s been drilling through it for oil for two weeks straight, and they won’t have a clue.
      - Well I helped him review for some of his quizzes and honestly all the terms are so confusing and overwhelming that after sometime I want him to not really talk about school but in terms of him not knowing what I'm feeling, when I tell him how I'm feeling he already knows what I'm feeling or gives me instruction to do and of course he want me to go to the Doctor as early as possible if I feel something that he doesn't know about.

 12. “My brain’s filled with so much information, I can’t be expected to remember THAT!” will be the standard excuse for forgetting anniversaries, birthdays, and, if you get this far, probably the birth of your first-born. Read: Having A Baby Improved My Sex Life
       - Well in terms of forgetting he's much more keen on dates than I am there wasn't a time that he forgot my birthday or anniversary, mostly It's me who forgets our special occasions well he's not the only one who's busy with school, I'm Graduating too.

 13. You’ll need friends with unending patience who pretend never to get sick of listening to your endless venting and complaints. Or, you’ll need to pay a therapist who will pretend never to get sick of listening to your endless venting and complaints. But take this all with a grain of salt. It’s not like I’m speaking from experience or anything…
       - My friends I think are so fed up of me venting to them so I tend to keep all of my problems and complaints to myself unless my best friend or someone asks me about what I feel then I'm gonna vent. I swear when you're dating a med student you'll never EVER stop complaining and most of the time you just learn to adapt and adjust yourself to their lifestyle which is what I've been trying to do for the past 2 years and almost 7 months of our relationship. I think it's better also to have a life other than them because If you're like me who relies to much on their partner it's going to be a problem. As of now I'm trying out new things and new environments to have myself a life other than a girlfriend. I'm hanging out with mostly my guy friends who are introducing me to online shooting games which really excites the hell out of me. :)))

Struggling

I'm struggling yet again, doubting yet again.... How can you build up who you want to be when people keep bringing you down. Everyone says that you have to shrug it off and you have to be open to criticism well it's hard when you're already down in the dumps. I want so badly to breakaway from people who keep on underestimating me.  I swear.... I hate how people perceive me that way, I think somewhere in my crazy messed up mind it triggers something that keeps me there, where they want me to be.

Confidence

I've always had issues with myself, never really getting much confidence as I should. As they say I'm the stereotypical shy-type, answering only when asked, not really bothering to talk until I'm being involved in the conversation and the girl you'll only notice when she does something stupid. Well that's been me for several years now and now...

I'm trying so hard to break this mindset and breakout from the labels people have given me. In my mind I've always wanted to be someone so different from me in the real world. A girl who is confident enough to audition for plays, who dances with all her heart and someone who sings in-front of a crowd and moves them. That girl, That girl I just can't reach right now. For someone like me to shine among my peers, I've got to be someone I'm totally not, someone from my dreams.

People from my course (Bachelor in Arts: Major in Music Production) are extremely good and most of the time I doubt myself why I'm even there. I know God has a plan for me but it's really hard going to school always second guessing yourself and comparing yourself to them and realizing you're not half as good as them. I get so insecure hearing them sing and I'm there humming the words in my head hoping I could reach high notes as them.

My close friends kept telling me what they don't like about me is that I don't have confidence, I hate that about myself too so much. If only they knew all the things I went through, why I'm like this and why I see myself like this. It's hard for me to believe that I'm a good singer because I've never seen myself that way and it's not a overnight thing to realize you're good enough. I feel like I've got to prove to myself that I'm good before I realize that I am and it will take time, I know before I do.

I know people's comments are just opinions and I shouldn't dwell much on what they say about me and how I sing but I do dwell in it and its really hard for me to ignore. When I go up the stage I always worry about how the audience will react when I deliver the song. I feel like I'm a perfectionist in that way and it really affects the way I sing, It affects the performance greatly. I hate this about myself, I know I should be enjoying the moment but I can't because I can't fully let go of my emotions. I need to just let go and just enjoy. I need to see myself in the light of how other people see me. I want to change. I want to become someone i'm not.

Seeking

Seeking attention from Him. Frustrates me that I can't get his attention nowadays. It's all about how He's feeling so sick so what I'll do is let him sleep to get better or just now I'm competing against his growing addiction to the andriod game "epic". Somehow I'm really frustrated that I don't get to spend much time talking to him nowadays. School's just started for him this week and its just starting and I'm already having problems with him.

Oh so petty shar, why can't you understand that he's busy, become busy with your life. oh tell me about it. Its just so hard to not know what's happening to him, I've been especially worried this past few days because he wasn't feeling alright. It was a valid reason not to talk to him to long and just let him sleep and rest to feel better. I would really appreciate the effort from him if he would just text me and tell me what's happening to him throughout his day. I do that, its not a big deal to ask that isn't?

I texted him this afternoon with a long message about how I realized things from watching a movie and I like I really wanted to make him feel special and it took him so long to reply. Tonight he asked me to send him my schedule for this term so I did. I asked him too to send his schedule too but until now I haven't got it. His replies to my texts are so off from what I was texting, which really irritated the hell out of me. Then I called him after he was finished with dinner and learned that he was playing epic and said to me wait. So I got really pissed off. Now I'm just really pissed off because I spent so much time worrying and wanting to know what is happening to him and I'm feeling like he doesn't even want to know what's happening to me :l
Just WTF WTF WTF!

Stressed out

With all the things that been happening around me, I really want to have some peace and quiet. I miss summer where I get to spend days just lying around in bed, being lazy and watching my favorite series all day.

But now I just feel so stressed with school, people and some other things. The pressure's on this year because I'm graduating, Yes i'm finally graduating next year. All the work required for this term is pilling up by the minute and not a single day goes by that I don't have to do some major requirement for school and it's slowly draining me out. School's just started but I'm already feeling like we had school for 2 terms already. I just need an escape from all this. All this madness. Somebody take me away please....

There's More to me than meets the eye...

These past few weeks before Demi's Concert here in Manila, I've been posting Demi Lovato related stuff or contest on my Facebook Wall or Twitter newsfeed and You may all think "oh she's way too obsessed with demi" or "Fan girl masyado. Adik yan kay Demi", "Nakakainis puro nalang Demi" or etc...

But there's more to my fan girl mode to Demi, She's an Inspiration for me to keep going, to go through life.

I bet all of you think it's annoying or whatever for me to look at her that way. There are so many other people you can look up to why Her? 

Demi Lovato is a singer/actress in Hollywood and going through the things she went through in-front of the whole world to see and read about. That ain't easy! Let alone open up to the whole world that you had "problems" and that you're going to get help. I adore her and look up to her because she is the only celebrity I know who openly talked about what she's been through, the problems she had and tell everyone that it's okay to get help and like her you will eventually get through and be a better person. I can identify myself with her, relate to her in ways that other artist rarely can do. 

In our society you're labeled "emo" when you cut yourself, wear black eyeliner and when your pessimistic about everything. I remember "emo" became a trend once when I was in 2nd Year High School. A freaking trend! but even before it became a trend to tell you guys honestly.... I started doing it. It's the first time I'll ever reveal this, I've only told my Boyfriend. 

The cutting started when I was in 2nd Year HS. I felt so depressed because of my grades and some other problems.I don't remember exactly when in 2nd year but I started to look at my wrists and started cutting, it felt as if all the sadness I was feeling was draining out of me when I was doing that, it felt really good. I didn't really cut too deep cause I didn't want people or my family to notice what I was secretly doing and I didn't want to called emo. As time passed by I kept on repeating and repeating the cutting until I felt nothing at all... 

No one noticed what I was doing and how I was feeling because how I felt so depressed inside was How Happy and Cheerful I was on the Outside a perfect cover-up. At times I would accidentally cut deep cause I really wanted the feeling to go away. There were also times that I realize that what I was doing wasn't really right and told myself this would be the last time but somehow I got back to it again over and over again. It was a never ending process of me trying to stop what I was doing and going through it again. I kept denying to myself, that I wasn't okay. I didn't want to tell anyone because I was too scared to be judged and maybe they might tell my Mom that I was cutting. I was scared to get caught but I didn't want to stop. 

The cutting lasted until 1st Year College (2010), I kept on putting bracelets in my wrist to hide some cuts and when people asked why I had so many bracelets I told them that I was hiding my wrists because I was so thin. They believed and I continued. October 2010 Demi Lovato enters timberline knolls facility a treatment center.She went into treatment for her problems. I was reading the article of what had went down before she checked into the treatment facility and recalled pictures I saw a year before when people suspected she was cutting. I didn't want to believe she was until the article confirmed everyone's suspicion. I felt as if the whole "good girl act" that she was portraying was all a lie, I got mad at her.

Yes, even though I didn't know her I got mad and judged her. I kept on asking myself  was her good girl image all a lie? Were we supposed to idolize someone like her? Really now Disney? I kept on thinking about it the whole day without even noticing that with judging her I was realizing that I was doing the same to myself. I was bashing and also judging myself.

Self-denial, denying that I was like her and that I needed help too. I didn't want to go telling my mom I had problems, I didn't want her to blame herself for what I was doing because I knew very well it was my own doing, it was my fault. So I turned and told my boyfriend instead, I remembered that time when I told him. I think we had a small argument or something, I don't really remember but I started doing it again. I tried to hide what I was doing from him, My mind was both telling me to "Tell him" and "Don't tell him". I kept debating and debating with myself until I finally told him what I was doing. And yes of course he got mad and started asking me why I was doing it. I felt ashamed of telling him, scared I might lose him with the new information he has learned about me. But eventually with his help I stopped and I'm very happy to say I've been 2 years "unbroken"

Stay Strong Demi's documentary, words of encouragement from Stephen and God has been my go to when I'm feeling so down. these things helps me get me back to perspective and think that everything would be okay. So maybe Demi's not the only one who's my inspiration now there's also Stephen, God and My Family.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day started really down for me, I was down because I was jealous of the couples that were together today. Do you know that feeling where it's your anniversary and valentines day but you're not together since you study in different colleges? -_- It's really freaking hard :(( 

When I was with him tonight and his Family though he made me feel happy again. At first I wanted to stay mad at him but eventually I gave in to his sweetness. When he brought me to the car he gave me a card and a rose and told strictly to open it if my answer is yes... 

I didn't understand at all his instruction :)) So I waited till he called me then my mom told me to go up to check my room (since my room was under renovation I didn't think about anything at all ) So I went up to my room and when I went inside my room, I saw letters posted on my wall...WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME... :"> 

Normally people would react in that situation but I didn't I became so speechless. Prom was the thing of my past I always thought. Since we already went through that when we were in High School. We haven't met yet then and we had different partners then. And I never thought that even if I was in college I would experience prom again but this time with him :"> 

then he was asking me what was on the wall and I can't fully wrap my head around the question, I was lost for words. He wanted my answer and for some reason I couldn't speak and kept saying Is this Serious?! then finally I said yes then he told me to open the card then yes it was serious. OMG PROM :"">

No one said it would be easy...

Things seem all too perfect but when the time comes and it seems to fall apart you just give up, you stop trying to make it work, you stop fighting for it...that ends a relationship.

I've had this thing where when it seems all too perfect and then all of a sudden I get scared because I know it will eventually go bad or something bad will happen. Then the bad thing happens and I make it more worse than it ever was. When it comes to a person I love or someone I care about, I try to push them away... cause I'm scared that they might leave me or go away. I know how pathetic right?!

But somehow this guy changed me, told me to stop trying to push people away and for the first time I listened. I learned so much from him and I've noticed I've changed for the better. Although there are some things I can't change. HAHAHA.

These past 2 years with this guy has really been amazing, happy, exciting, fun, sad... etc. And I realized this past year has been really testing for both of us, both in school and out of school. People would always assume that everything's perfect and alright between us, believe me most of the time it is but when I start to get dramatic, It's baaaad, Really really bad... For some reason there always has to be drama and it seems I'm always the one to blame, which is actually slightly true. Yes, okay fine I admit, I'm quite dramatic but who girl isn't?

There comes a time when people tend to get so comfortable in the relationship that you start to think that every time, your girlfriend/boyfriend would understand everything and anything you say or do to them. I think somewhere along the way that happened and somehow I just lost my patience and stopped understanding him. I started to get really clingy with him, because he lost time for me. Texts seem to get shorter, calls were composed of only goodnight and I love you's only, the usual conversations about the other's day were gone and somehow I felt that I wanted him to focus more on his studies than me. I wanted to that so badly at that time but I can't. I can't seem to get mad at him too long because I might risk loosing him because that meant that I just let the one guy who made me believe in love go.

Yes, cheesy as this may seem he did made me believe in love again. Through my life I always thought that love only leads to being hurt and lonely, that happy endings didn't exist, that decent guys were myths and that no guy would ever love me but all those stupid thoughts were shattered when I met him. I never really thought someone as wonderful as him would ever love as me, even knowing my mistakes. Really when you meet that someone you can't just let go and that person also feels that way for you, Thank God because you finally met your other half. :">

These past 2 years with him I would say brought me both closer to my family and to God. And I thank God every single day that God let me and Stephen meet.

Happy 2nd Anniversary Stephen!

Thank you for always being there for me no matter what, thank you for always understanding me even if I'm too immature at times and Thank you for Loving me the way that you do. I should thank you for so so many things but I'm loosing time cause it's almost 12. :)) I'm really lucky to have someone as special as you in my life! You inspire me to be better always... THANK YOU!!
You are my everything...

Love, Shara