I wish I knew something was up... I wish I was the given the change myself before all this started. I did not know what was happening.
A person will know what they have done is wrong if they we're called out about it.
I wish I called out about it, I wish I was given the chance to change myself earlier. I can't do anything now to change what has happened it exploded in ways that I didn't even knew possible in their hands. I didn't know I was crossing the line and they were giving me chances to change, but I was changing something that I thought was something that they wanted to change about me but I was wrong it wasn't about that, it was about something else. I'm so stupid. why haven't I noticed that I was hurting them, that I was doing things I didn't know I was capable before.
I'm scared, I'm scared what tomorrow might bring. I want to change I REALLY WANT TO, not only for myself but people around me as well. I'm not perfect, no one's ever perfect. I just want to be given a chance to explain myself to them, to also understand their side fully. No words can fix this.. not even sorry.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Misdirected Anger
Well eventually I was feeling that this day would come sooner or later. I've been feeling signs from their actions and I know they were hiding something from me, something I've wanted to ask but always scared to hear..
And it here it is... the anger, accusations and the tears.
For the past weeks this term I've been at edge. Trying hard to push myself to meet their standards; Ever since 1st Yr. 2nd term they've been commenting on how I am with my studies and I don't blame them, I was spiraling out of control. I've lost grip on my priorities BACK THEN.
But this time it was different I push myself to the edge trying to meet with their standards trying to grasp of what acceptable is to my friends trying to please them.. anything.... because they still see me as that 1st Yr. 1-2nd term girl who doesn't give a fuck about her priorities and just focus myself on a boy. but I realize I got to stop doing that and do my own thing to make a statement that I'm not that girl anymore and I've changed.
They've always seen me as this weak and easily under/controlled girl. But ever since the start of this term I've tried to change that. Ever since NSTP I knew they weren't confident that I would step up and do my work as a group leader But I tried really hard to change my attitude and make it known that I can do it and I will do it perfectly and in that path I was taking I knew I was always irascible.
I was really pressured to do my best for myself and my group and with that in mind I knew I had to be strong and firm with my actions. The last weeks before NSTP immersion ended, I've always had arguments with my close friend, G and I knew very well it was only due to the pressures of the tasks we had to do in that immersion and after the NSTP we would be okay again. And in my mind I thought we were okay already but in reality it isn't and I was completely unaware of that. In tasks during the immersion I knew most of the times we were winging it but we got it done. I thought I was dividing tasks evenly but someone said no, during the last NSTP we had to compile all of our works into a scrapbook. G gladly presented in doing the scrapbook so I agreed. Our prof said I had to compile the reflection papers which I told them, then posted on FB 4 days before the due date about the things to be done and are required to be done even texted them to check the FB group for reminders. I wanted to compile everything into one already so I asked them to send their works to me, I thought it wasn't a big deal to compile it and print it in one printing but for someone it was. And then again I thought everything was okay, So I thought.
The night before the deadline I texted them to remind them about everything that needs to be done. I thought it was done. Little did I know some of our groupmates didn't check the FB and when they got to school they just did the evaluation there, which really made me quite irritable since I posted and texted them 4 days before the deadline to please do it and send it via email to our prof. I was at edge again since I knew we had to get our requirement done in time and I KNEW the evaluation was due the night before. So Yes I got worked up and got mad at them. Which I knew was unreasonable... but then again we're not really sure.
In School Works
They don't see my efforts because my efforts are at home. In Prinama sometimes I think they don't even trust my answers or something. That hurts! because I like Prinama more than ever now at it's 2nd half since I get it more now and I practice at home and my answers are right.
They say that I cram... They've only see me cram 2 times and it was for VOCARR. I didn't cram I'm just not like them when doing their projects, I can't just do it in one sitting like then, I'm not like them. Well I admit I do it 1 week before but every night I do it, always trying to change what I did but I never have been able to be fully satisfied with it, so when I get to school that's when I do just the some of it because for some odd reason my mind makes itself up and sticks to what I do when I'm in school. So it's not really cramming for me. It's merely slight adjustments to it when I'm at school. My boyfriend can testify that we both study, believe it or not I do study but they wouldn't believe that really.
But then again the talk with school works is done and finished for... I think?
Stephen talks
I'm sorry if i'm all like stephen this and stephen that in school. I just really want to share.. is that so bad?
For some odd reason I shy away from talking school work. Don't get me wrong I talk about school work but after I change the subject because you're already in school studying and slaving all day but with friends we have a short time bonding so why not share something other than school work just to make them laugh or happy or something. that's why I share things other than school stuff.
Moody
Again this is just me just more PROJECTED this term. And I'm sorry.
Irascible
This is how I deal with stress... I don't really know why, but I get so irritated just being bombarded with questions when I'm pressured or not. I'm not into panick-y and overly importunate(Makulit) people... I get so panick-y myself when I'm around them that's why I get irritable because as much as I want to try to calm them down, it just doesn't work which gets me to panic myself and I loose my cool which ends up to me being overly irritable.
Believe me I've tried to change that but somehow I can't. I try to calm myself down and not misdirect my anger who are close to me. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I'm already "masungit etc..." It's just all the stress of everything. I can't blame them if they don't want to talk to me. I'm such a pathetic friend.
Well all of this changes in me ended up bad, really bad. I do know that...
That I'm the one at fault here. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry for hurting all the people who are close to me...
I don't really know if I can explain more personally cause I'm scared of what you guys might say. The words you said really hurt especially the "Bastos ugali"/rude habit. I know for myself that I'm not like that, but I know you think my actions say otherwise. I don't blame you, after realizing everything I'd hate myself too you know.
And it here it is... the anger, accusations and the tears.
For the past weeks this term I've been at edge. Trying hard to push myself to meet their standards; Ever since 1st Yr. 2nd term they've been commenting on how I am with my studies and I don't blame them, I was spiraling out of control. I've lost grip on my priorities BACK THEN.
But this time it was different I push myself to the edge trying to meet with their standards trying to grasp of what acceptable is to my friends trying to please them.. anything.... because they still see me as that 1st Yr. 1-2nd term girl who doesn't give a fuck about her priorities and just focus myself on a boy. but I realize I got to stop doing that and do my own thing to make a statement that I'm not that girl anymore and I've changed.
They've always seen me as this weak and easily under/controlled girl. But ever since the start of this term I've tried to change that. Ever since NSTP I knew they weren't confident that I would step up and do my work as a group leader But I tried really hard to change my attitude and make it known that I can do it and I will do it perfectly and in that path I was taking I knew I was always irascible.
I was really pressured to do my best for myself and my group and with that in mind I knew I had to be strong and firm with my actions. The last weeks before NSTP immersion ended, I've always had arguments with my close friend, G and I knew very well it was only due to the pressures of the tasks we had to do in that immersion and after the NSTP we would be okay again. And in my mind I thought we were okay already but in reality it isn't and I was completely unaware of that. In tasks during the immersion I knew most of the times we were winging it but we got it done. I thought I was dividing tasks evenly but someone said no, during the last NSTP we had to compile all of our works into a scrapbook. G gladly presented in doing the scrapbook so I agreed. Our prof said I had to compile the reflection papers which I told them, then posted on FB 4 days before the due date about the things to be done and are required to be done even texted them to check the FB group for reminders. I wanted to compile everything into one already so I asked them to send their works to me, I thought it wasn't a big deal to compile it and print it in one printing but for someone it was. And then again I thought everything was okay, So I thought.
The night before the deadline I texted them to remind them about everything that needs to be done. I thought it was done. Little did I know some of our groupmates didn't check the FB and when they got to school they just did the evaluation there, which really made me quite irritable since I posted and texted them 4 days before the deadline to please do it and send it via email to our prof. I was at edge again since I knew we had to get our requirement done in time and I KNEW the evaluation was due the night before. So Yes I got worked up and got mad at them. Which I knew was unreasonable... but then again we're not really sure.
In School Works
They don't see my efforts because my efforts are at home. In Prinama sometimes I think they don't even trust my answers or something. That hurts! because I like Prinama more than ever now at it's 2nd half since I get it more now and I practice at home and my answers are right.
They say that I cram... They've only see me cram 2 times and it was for VOCARR. I didn't cram I'm just not like them when doing their projects, I can't just do it in one sitting like then, I'm not like them. Well I admit I do it 1 week before but every night I do it, always trying to change what I did but I never have been able to be fully satisfied with it, so when I get to school that's when I do just the some of it because for some odd reason my mind makes itself up and sticks to what I do when I'm in school. So it's not really cramming for me. It's merely slight adjustments to it when I'm at school. My boyfriend can testify that we both study, believe it or not I do study but they wouldn't believe that really.
But then again the talk with school works is done and finished for... I think?
Stephen talks
I'm sorry if i'm all like stephen this and stephen that in school. I just really want to share.. is that so bad?
For some odd reason I shy away from talking school work. Don't get me wrong I talk about school work but after I change the subject because you're already in school studying and slaving all day but with friends we have a short time bonding so why not share something other than school work just to make them laugh or happy or something. that's why I share things other than school stuff.
Moody
Again this is just me just more PROJECTED this term. And I'm sorry.
Irascible
This is how I deal with stress... I don't really know why, but I get so irritated just being bombarded with questions when I'm pressured or not. I'm not into panick-y and overly importunate(Makulit) people... I get so panick-y myself when I'm around them that's why I get irritable because as much as I want to try to calm them down, it just doesn't work which gets me to panic myself and I loose my cool which ends up to me being overly irritable.
Believe me I've tried to change that but somehow I can't. I try to calm myself down and not misdirect my anger who are close to me. Sometimes I'm not even aware that I'm already "masungit etc..." It's just all the stress of everything. I can't blame them if they don't want to talk to me. I'm such a pathetic friend.
Well all of this changes in me ended up bad, really bad. I do know that...
That I'm the one at fault here. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry for hurting all the people who are close to me...
I don't really know if I can explain more personally cause I'm scared of what you guys might say. The words you said really hurt especially the "Bastos ugali"/rude habit. I know for myself that I'm not like that, but I know you think my actions say otherwise. I don't blame you, after realizing everything I'd hate myself too you know.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Well this is life.
Lately I have moments that I feel so alone. With no one to confide into, I want someone who'll listen, who will not judge and try to understand what I'm going through.
As of the moment somehow all my friends are busy and when I'm with them I'm left out. I want to confide in them but I know they won't understand and they wouldn't even care. Some of them would even call me overreacting or some other names but they wouldn't understand and I know that.
So as much as possible I keep to myself drown myself in reading 50 shades. And then it hits me what Anastasia Steele is going through in the first book, all her insecurities about Mrs. Robinson and Leila. Ugh I feel that too. That aching feeling I get when think about that person and him happy, them together. It FREAKING KILLS ME.
As I try to escape into reading 50 shades, I realize that it wasn't really an escape...It was too realize what I'm feeling. And that's why I was drawn to reading it a midst all the sex stuff.
As of the moment somehow all my friends are busy and when I'm with them I'm left out. I want to confide in them but I know they won't understand and they wouldn't even care. Some of them would even call me overreacting or some other names but they wouldn't understand and I know that.
So as much as possible I keep to myself drown myself in reading 50 shades. And then it hits me what Anastasia Steele is going through in the first book, all her insecurities about Mrs. Robinson and Leila. Ugh I feel that too. That aching feeling I get when think about that person and him happy, them together. It FREAKING KILLS ME.
As I try to escape into reading 50 shades, I realize that it wasn't really an escape...It was too realize what I'm feeling. And that's why I was drawn to reading it a midst all the sex stuff.
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