A Last lookback at 2014

This year has been the happiest and most devastatingly depressing year of my life. Happiest because I've finally finished college and seeing my mom so proud and happy was the most rewarding thing I ever felt. This year I've also accomplished so much working under the most understanding and awesome boss ever Ms. Teresa! I've also started a dream I've always wanted, opening an online shop with stephen (sorandomshoph) and another one with Robert (somethingheavenlymnl). This year I've also went to places with family and friends, those trips are so memorable and epic. I can't begin to explain how awesome they were. This year also I got the most cutest present ever from Stephen... Logan :"> 

Graduation July 5, 2014

Working under Ms. Teresa Barrozo

Camp Netanya, Batangas July 12-13, 2014

La Union May 21-23, 2014

Logan was given to me by Stephen April 4, 2014

Devastatingly depressing because of what happened to my mom. To tell you all honestly I was scared of the responsibility given to me by my family and relatives, I knew the responsibility will come to me eventually but not this early. I wasn't ready for it and each day was a struggle for me not to be depressed and to be strong for my brother and my mom because I knew they were counting on me. But everyday was a struggle, for weeks I was wishing that everything was a dream and every night I kept asking God Why us? Why my mom?. I had to face the reality that everything was gonna change from then on and I should be able to manage even though I was feeling so down. I wasn't alone though my relatives especially my Uncles and Aunts the ones who help me get through each day guiding me on what I should do and helped me make decisions on what the doctors should do to my mom. It was comforting being surrounded with people who care for you so much and I'm really thankful for them. Even after everything they are still there for me calling each day and/or going here to visit us. 

Thank you especially to Tita Evelyn and Family because you have been there always guiding me and caring for us until now, I know Tita sobrang busy ka with work and kila Lola but you always call me and have taken the responsibility of being our Mom until Mama gets better. I am thankful beyond words Tita Super, You are amazing! :* I Love You! :* 

To Tito Elmer and Tita Chie, Thank you for lending us the hospital bed for mama and other medical equipments for mama's needs. Thank you for never failing to making mama smile and laugh when you visit us and for calling also too. We Love You!

To Tito Edwin and Tita Liza, for helping us with the bars in the washroom and physical therapy equipment she uses. Thank you also for helping us and recommending Irene who helped mama a lot, For also visiting and making mama talk and laugh too. For our Christmas shopping which we are so thankful because we weren't sure if we can do it this year but you brought us and showed us a great time helping us forget even for a little while what we are going through. Thank you Super Tito ad Tita! We Love You!

To Tita Ellen and Tito Lito, for the speech tools and flashcards we use for her speech therapy. Thank you Tita for talking to me and being so amazing and help me get through all my past burdens and fears. It helped me be stronger because I am whole again and for answering questions I've longed to know the answers too... Thank you Tita For that! I Love You! 

To Tito Ernie and Tita Beth, for sharing your knowledge about mama's condition that gave me the idea to make her sing. For always keeping the faith that mama will get better soon and for making her feel loved. Thank you Tito and Tita! We Love You! 

I also want to thank Stephen's Family for also being there and supporting me through the whole ordeal, having another set of family pushing you to be strong helped me a lot throughout everything. I am so lucky to have such a very welcoming second family in them. Thank you po! We Love you din po!! :* 

To Tita Baby, Thank you Tita for always encouraging me to be stronger and keep the faith that mama will get better soon. Thank you for the prayer book too it really helped me through a lot. For always welcoming me to your home and for the yummy meals I had in your house ;) Thank you Tita for treating me like family too and thank you for raising a very loving and understanding guy po, Hands down Tita! :D Thank you po sa lahat sobrang thank you :*

Another thank you to the people who have been there for me who have proven that true friendship is still there...

Crescents, Thank you for being there and keeping me strong. For the encouraging words and hugs I've received during that time. For making me laugh and for listening to my rants about life and love. Thank you guys to next year!

This one has been there for me being my rock through the the hardest time of my life, Stephen. Thank you for everything for being there, wiping my tears and for the tight hugs. Thank for never leaving my side and for the endless encouraging words you tell me. You have been so patient with me through everything and very understanding. I can't find the right words to describe how thankful I am that you were there through everything. You are a blessing my love... Till Next Year we will make more memories (good ones this time) with my family and yours. I Love You with All my Heart :*

Lastly to the Lord for giving me another year to spend with my mom and for helping my mom recover day by day. I know you have a plan for us and I trust in you Lord. Guide me and my family through every decision we face. Thank you Lord! We Love You! :*

Hoping for a better tomorrow

The title of my blog really describes how I really feel about everything right now. I’m hoping for a better tomorrow more than anything in this world. 

My Family and I went through so much this past 3 weeks, many things have changed since then and our lives would never be the same again. I think it was a wake up call not only for my Family but everyone around us as well.

I’m the type of daughter who is admittedly spoiled by my Mom, when I want something my mom tries her best to get it for me. But don’t get me wrong she does that to my brother too; She tries her best to provide us with everything we want and need even though she’s a single parent. I adore my Mom for having the courage to raise 2 children by herself, She went through so much trying to provide for us and I’m so grateful.

Back to the real story; July 26,2014 The day of the Birthday Party for me and my brother and my late Graduation party. It was a typical day we were preparing for the festivities that will happen that night, I helped my mom change the curtains in the entertainment room after eating we proceeded to clean the garage because it was dirty and smelled like dogs. After cleaning the garage my Mom said they were going to the grocery to buy things she needed for tonight, I asked if I could go and she said yes.

When we were at the Grocery store I noticed she was not herself, she kept dropping the paper she was holding. I even told her “Ma, ano ba yan! Anong nangyayari sayo” then I gave her the paper she was holding. I also noticed that she looked like she was drunk, she was even leaning on her right side. She said she was feeling a bit dizzy from going around the grocery and said she needed to buy her maintenance medication (catapres), When we got to the car and was driving home. I noticed her words were slurring, I thought she was joking but after awhile I felt so scared and nervous because she wasn’t joking at all, all her words were slurred. I even asked her “Ma, bakit ka bulol?” and she replied defensively saying “Anong bulol?”. 

Little did I know that Tita Dory was already noticing signs that Mama wasn’t okay since that morning, When she woke up at 8am and was cooking she kept dropping the spatula she was holding. Then Tita Dory asked what was happening to her but she just kept laughing and saying it was nothing and she was fine. When they were eating she also kept dropping the spoon she was holding and when she was asked what she feeling, she just laughed again and said she was fine. In the car I recalled the signs of stroke I once read at my newsfeed on Facebook. Tita Dory already changed our route to go to Medical city without my mom knowing but the traffic was terrible and my Mom noticed where we were going and protested on going home because she said we needed to prepare for tonight. I just let her have her way but I had a plan in my head when we are close to St. Therese, I would corner her and get mad at her and try to urge her to get her bp checked. 

When my plan worked and we got to St. Therese she didn't protest and we went inside the emergency room, She got her Blood pressure checked and she was escorted inside the ER to rest, lie down and relax. The whole time this was happening I had a bad feeling about everything and my heart was racing, but in my head I have to be strong and think clearly. The Doctor said she needed someone to talk to and I presented, She told me that my Mom's BP was at 280/100 and it was already what they call a Evolving Stroke. 

What do you want from me?

These feelings are back again...

I’ve been really down and done with everything that’s happening to my life. I swear I feel so tired both emotionally and physically with people who keep bringing back something that’s already done for a long time now. I’m feeling so judged by the some of the people I call my friends. I though friends were supposed to be the one who will understand you and not judge you for past mistakes you’ve done but they did.

In the past I’ve put myself in a situation where I just didn’t care what they were going to say because I was madly in-love, I wanted to go after my heart and with doing that I risked my reputation with everyone. When I was telling my friends everything that happened they were immediately appalled with what I have done but that time I didn’t care. I told them everything I know but for some reason I was being charged as someone who wasn’t saying the truth. I didn’t get it, I was just saying what I was feeling and experiencing with that person but I labeled a liar. I realized that with saying the truth and telling people my side of the story they would twist some of it, to something that was totally different from the original story itself. Thus, all the rumours about me.

Skipping to present (3 years after) I’m being subjected to the same thing all over again, not just me but the other person involved also. Both sides were compared side by side and critiqued to the very core. The stories kept progressing and progressing to things that NEVER EVEN happened. What do they want from me? Does that person find pleasure in making me miserable and depressed? because congratulations Miss you did it. 

What do you want from me? I don’t know, I question myself that everyday. Do you want my happiness? Fine! it’s yours I’m already depressed as it is. Do you want my relationship with my boyfriend to end? I don’t wanna give up but I’m trying to push him away because I’m feeling like he’s already doubting me… He told me he wasn’t but I’m feeling that he is. What do you want from me? You’re all breaking me apart….

Three years, Happy 3rd Anniversary Love...

There are no right words to describe how I feel right now and I swear, I'm struggling to write this because I can't fully grasp the fact that we're already in our Three-Year Mark as a couple. It seems that it was only yesterday that I met you at Taft and had the most revealing conversation of my life in the LRT with you and just after 20 days you asked me to be your Girlfriend in National Bookstore. (not really the most romantic place but I'd like to think you couldn't wait any longer so you asked right then and there :))) 

I know it wasn't easy to get where we are right now because I'm a handful. I admit I'm demanding, annoying, short tempered and "masungit" but you always try and understand me no matter what. I'm sorry for all the things I've done to hurt you but I'll make up for it each and every day SWEAR! I'm so grateful because you understand me in ways other people wouldn't, you calm me and ease all my troubles with just your words. You make me feel so special by your simple and grand gestures, each and every one of those surprises meaning so much to me that it always makes me smile or cry just by remembering them. Thank you for loving me this way and I swear to make you feel the same each and every day.

You have given me so much to hope for in this life and I'm so thankful for having you by my side :"> that rhymes!!! but anyway back to what I'm writing. I've been so lost before now you've helped me find my way back to myself, you make me a better person and I thank you for that. For the times that I was giving up on pushing through with music and school, you pushed me and I succeeded. For the times that I didn't believe in myself and in my talent, you made me believe and have confidence in myself. For the times that I needed someone to talk to, you were there always making me laugh. For the times that I needed a best friend and boyfriend, you were always there for me. For the times that I needed more than just a boyfriend, you helped me to turn to God and ask for his guidance. You help me find my way back not only to myself but also to God. You are amazing my Love, you inspire me and all the people around you to be a better person.

Happy Anniversary My Love :">
I Love you so much, Forever & Always, To Infinity & Beyond And Till My Last Breath! :* :* :*