I don't know how to feel and I don't know if I already have words to describe and tell you guys how I feel. I feel so much and most of them I can't put into words. Everything is overflowing and never ending to say the least...
I feel so alone but I have so many people around me. I know I can tell them what I'm going through but they could only listen and sympathize with me but that's not what I need, I need a person who went through the same things as I did. But I don't think two people have the same story, it always has a difference. You can say that both of them went through loss but one lost a friend and one lost a parent, It's never the same story twice.
The stress and frustration of the events that happened in the past two months are quite staggering and I can't comprehend how many nights we've spent as a family sleepless, restless and bothered by everything that's happening. I still can't fully accept (but this isn't the word because I already accepted that he is gone) that we lost a family friend, a family friend that is so close to our hearts that we so suddenly lost. I still remember the times when he brings us food and how I enjoyed munching on isaw and laughing at all his jokes, I still remember that morning my mom was panicking, not even combing her hair, drove out to the hospital and stressed out of her mind just because she read the text that he was rushed to the hospital that morning. That sleepless midnight I had, looking at my phone then suddenly reading a text that he died and how I couldn't sleep at all. That morning hearing voices at the dining room of her wife crying and screaming with pain because of the loss. I still remember every single detail and it haunts me through the night, keeping me awake until now. I don't know how to cope, I've never lost someone before and its taking a toll on me...
2 weeks before the death of that family friend, I learned my grandmother/best friend of my mom has stage 4 cancer and it has spread through her body. Seeing her in that state, how fast she is deteriorating and how helpless she was. I can't stop crying but I can never show those tears to my mom or my family because I wanted to be strong for her because she was the one breaking down. I can never be the weak one, they comment on why I didn't cry in the wake of our family friend? I had to be strong for my family because they were the ones breaking down, one single person crying affects the whole family it's like a tidal wave of tears. I didn't want to add to that, I want to be the person who they can lean on to and count on when they need to get something done because they can't think straight. I know they didn't ask me to do this for them but I had to because if everyone was breaking down we can never move on and accept all the things happening. But I admit it is taking a toll on me now, all those bottled feeling from those events are now keeping me awake at night and haunting me in my dreams. Seeing how frail my godmother is and hearing the family friend's wife crying in pain because she lost the one she loved, its hard.
I just want to drop everything and go, I want someone to take me away from all the madness of this place and take me somewhere I don't know. Somewhere I could be distracted by the beauty of nature or whatever, just somewhere not here for once and hug me till I don't have any tears left inside me...
