Struggling

I'm struggling yet again, doubting yet again.... How can you build up who you want to be when people keep bringing you down. Everyone says that you have to shrug it off and you have to be open to criticism well it's hard when you're already down in the dumps. I want so badly to breakaway from people who keep on underestimating me.  I swear.... I hate how people perceive me that way, I think somewhere in my crazy messed up mind it triggers something that keeps me there, where they want me to be.

Confidence

I've always had issues with myself, never really getting much confidence as I should. As they say I'm the stereotypical shy-type, answering only when asked, not really bothering to talk until I'm being involved in the conversation and the girl you'll only notice when she does something stupid. Well that's been me for several years now and now...

I'm trying so hard to break this mindset and breakout from the labels people have given me. In my mind I've always wanted to be someone so different from me in the real world. A girl who is confident enough to audition for plays, who dances with all her heart and someone who sings in-front of a crowd and moves them. That girl, That girl I just can't reach right now. For someone like me to shine among my peers, I've got to be someone I'm totally not, someone from my dreams.

People from my course (Bachelor in Arts: Major in Music Production) are extremely good and most of the time I doubt myself why I'm even there. I know God has a plan for me but it's really hard going to school always second guessing yourself and comparing yourself to them and realizing you're not half as good as them. I get so insecure hearing them sing and I'm there humming the words in my head hoping I could reach high notes as them.

My close friends kept telling me what they don't like about me is that I don't have confidence, I hate that about myself too so much. If only they knew all the things I went through, why I'm like this and why I see myself like this. It's hard for me to believe that I'm a good singer because I've never seen myself that way and it's not a overnight thing to realize you're good enough. I feel like I've got to prove to myself that I'm good before I realize that I am and it will take time, I know before I do.

I know people's comments are just opinions and I shouldn't dwell much on what they say about me and how I sing but I do dwell in it and its really hard for me to ignore. When I go up the stage I always worry about how the audience will react when I deliver the song. I feel like I'm a perfectionist in that way and it really affects the way I sing, It affects the performance greatly. I hate this about myself, I know I should be enjoying the moment but I can't because I can't fully let go of my emotions. I need to just let go and just enjoy. I need to see myself in the light of how other people see me. I want to change. I want to become someone i'm not.